Hopeless. // FWxNS

chapter seven

"When everybody leaves you lonely, times are worse than sad."

Finn

-

I'm running. Running. My legs can't keep up with my brain. It is ghost-quiet, and the world seems like it is at a total halt. I'm running, but I can't feel a thing. I'm sedated by my emotions. At any moment, we're going to hear a record scratch, and a voice over of me will play in the background. I'll say something like, "And that's me. You might be wondering how I got into this situation." Half an hour earlier, I was snuggled up in Noah's arms. You may seriously be wondering how I got into this situation. 

A feeling. A feeling so strong was bubbling up inside of me, a feeling that I just couldn't push back down inside of me. A feeling that I needed to get out. I needed to feel. My emotions were a tsunami, and it was destroying town after town inside of me. I couldn't be here anymore. I told Noah I was going to the bathroom, but at soon as I left his room, I went straight for the door. I pulled my shoes on, and took one last look at the safe oasis these people were so nice as to provide me with. I slowly turned the knob of the door, and tiptoed out, closing it ever so gently behind me. And then I bolted. 

I didn't want to stop, so I continued. I went until I couldn't anymore, and by that time, I had no clue where I was. In the distance, I could see pink streaking the sky, which was gradually getting lighter. I would figure out where I was going as it got lighter outside, but  as of now, I had no plan. I didn't regret leaving them, except for the fact that I knew it was over between Noah and I. I. It had to be. I put his family through so much trouble, only to walk out of them. 

I felt what I thought to be a raindrop on my cheek, but I realized that two pools of tears had formed in my eyes. Maybe I made a mistake, maybe I should've stayed. Not for me, but for him, for us. 

I blink my eyes, trying to get them back to normal. I had to do this. For me. This is what I needed to feel okay again. I can't keep doing things for other people, I had to get out of there. It felt so weird, as if his family knew all of my darkest secrets. They did. It felt like they read my diary. Figuratively, that is. I don't keep a diary. 

Maybe I should. I somehow need to kill my feelings, kill my emotions. How do you kill your emotions without killing yourself? 

I'm still walking, down a street that I don't recognize. There's a house every so often, and I can't help but wonder what their lives are like. I wonder what is going on in their life that they is hard. I can't help but think about the fact that I probably have it harder. I don't want to pity myself. I didn't run away so that people would start caring about my problems.

I did it so that they would stop. 

I just want everything to stop. All of the looks, all of the people knowing. Knowing me, knowing my life. I want more than anything to break away, to be forgotten. But at the same time, I don't want to just fall off of the face of the Earth. I want to start over. I want to be a better version of Finn Wolfhard. I don't want to be an outcast who just so happens to be homosexual. I usually like who I am, but I can't be this me anymore. There are too many problems involved. 

I can't help but wonder what Noah is going to think when he wakes up. I just left him clueless, he's probably going to hate me. I am probably never going to see him again, and I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. I'm not too sure of anything right now, only that I can't be myself anymore. I hadn't thought about how Noah will feel about this, I hadn't thought about the fact that he could come after me. 

I almost want him to. I almost want us to be okay again. I'm on the verge of wanting to go back, but it's too late. It's too late to turn back. I can't do that to him, I can't run out and then come back, begging for mercy. 

I'm on my own, and that is the way that it has to be. 

I'm sorry, Noah. 

-

I FINALLY HAVE A PLAN FOR THIS STORY THAT IS WHAT'S UP YO