Hopeless. // FWxNS

chapter four

"I mean, I could but why would I want to?"

Finn

(A/N: I use a word in this that I don't exactly like. I'm sorry guys xo)

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Ever since that day, everything has been very secretive. I couldn't tell anyone. Normally I would tell Noah everything, but I can't tell Noah this. He's apart of it. I'm sure he talks to Millie, but I don't have anyone like that. I can't tell my parents, they'd kill me. I can't Natalia. We're super close but, I don't know. I just don't know who to trust. 

Eventually, I decided on a journal. I had written in a journal before, but it's been awhile. I'm not quite sure what to write, but I pull out a note]book and a pencil anyways, hoping that something would come to my head as I started writing. 

"Dear... um, 

I don't know what to do. I can't be around Noah, but at the same time, I feel like I have to. I can't stay away from him. I just want to kiss him. I want the hand-holding, and the ice cream dates. I want to show off Noah, let everyone he's mine. But, I'm scared. Who wouldn't be? I'm 14, this isn't something I should have to worry about. But I can't stop thinking about him. The other day, when I went to his house, and he was crying in my arms, it broke my heart. I was crushed, and I knew that it was my fault. 

It was my fault, it was all my fault, and I can't bear it. I can't take it. I was broken that day. I felt my heart crumple into a million pieces. 

I just can't let it happen again. I'm just so stressed about it. I'm not right for him. If I were right for him, I would've never hurt him."

A drop of water dripped onto the paper. I looked up to see if it was my ceiling leaking, and the breeze from my fan dried my cheeks. It wasn't water, it was a tear. I broke down. I can't bear it. I put my head in my hands. I heard steps down the hallway, and Nick came in my room. I didn't notice. He came up behind me, but I didn't care. He put his hand on my shoulder, and then he snatched the journal from the desk. Wait, wait, the journal.

"No!" I instantly reached for the journal. 

"Nick, come on," I said, tears continuing to roll down my cheeks. "Give it back."

He looked up from the journal, and simply said two words. 

"Get out."

I looked up at him. He had to be joking. He had to be, he couldn't do this. He couldn't do this to me. I just stared at him blankly, and his face was stone cold. He definitely wasn't joking, but he had to be. He was supposed to love me no matter what. 

"Get out of my house you faggot." He took a step forward. I pushed myself up, getting out of my chair. My vision was clouded with tears, and I just had a blank look on my face. I couldn't process any of this. Nothing was seeming to get through my head. Everything was black and white. This felt like some sick and twisted movie. I slipped on my shoes, and I left. Nick followed me out, and I heard the door shut and lock behind me. 

I lost my family. I lost them. Tears were still rolling down my cheeks, but I barely noticed. I didn't know what to do, where to go. Who to call. No one would accept me. I couldn't explain to anyone why I was kicked out. I'm alone. 

I dialed a few numbers into my phone, and held it to my ear. I sat down on the porch. 

"Hi!" Noah was so chirpy, I can't do this, it will destroy him. 

I can't, I can't. He could probably hear my crying, I felt like a child. 

"Finn?" I tried to catch my breath. 

"They.. kicked me out," I whispered. I hoped he could hear me, I couldn't repeat it. All I wanted to do was hold his hand, I knew he would always be here for me. All I want is him to come get me, and we can just, get out of here. We can get out of here and never look back. I closed my eyes, and they overflowed, a pool of tears rolling down my cheeks. Noah was still on the other line, but he didn't say anything. I could hear is breathing, and I tried to steady my own, trying to match mine with his. The tears began to slow down. I could hear some moving, and then I heard a car door. I could hear the engine start. I hope that they come get me. I can't stay here. I'm not welcome here. 

Even if I were welcome here, I would never stay. What's the difference if I hold hands with a girl or a boy? If I prefer Noah over Millie as a dating partner? If I'd rather kiss boys? Why does it matter? Aren't they my family, aren't they supposed to love me no matter what? 

I heard the car again, except this time, it was over the phone. My legs started to move, but my brain wasn't comprehending it. I felt so numb, so blank. Like someone just took an eraser, and rubbed it all over me. Everything about me is faded. I opened the car door, and got in. I didn't even look to see who it was, I laid my head down in their lap. Nimble, thin fingers began to make their way into my locks.

Noah. Thank God. I closed my eyes, and just laid there. The car started to move, but nobody said anything. It was quiet, peaceful even. Nobody questioned me. I could feel Noah with his sad little doe eyes staring down at me, I knew he was concerned. Anyone in their right mind would be. It was the shortest car ride ever, I swear. I didn't want to get out of the car, I knew it would mean moving away from Noah again until we got up into his room. I got out of the car, closing the door softly behind me. I followed the boy to his room, where we both went to lie down in his bed. He still hadn't said a word, and neither had I. It was a nice quiet. I felt so connected with him. His arms went around me, and I grabbed his hand, intertwining our fingers. I hadn't noticed that my eyes were closed until I turned to look at Noah. 

His precious brown eyes were nearly spilling over with tears. I don't know what happened next, I just had this feeling inside of me, and then our lips were connected. 

I kissed him. I just couldn't keep away from him anymore. I kissed him, and if this is what love feels like, then I'm glad I got kicked out of my house, because I'm not changing. I'm never changing. If being a "faggot" feels this good, then I'm proud of that. My brother, my parents, society, they can label me however they want, because that will never change the fact that I'm in love with Noah Schnapp.

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okay so i've been writing some chapters that are more on the sad side (not purposefully, it just kind of happens) so i promise that i'll give you guys a little more foah in chapter five(-: 

please comment opinions/critiques xox