Victim of Circumstance | UNDER RIGOROUS EDITING

Chapter 15 - Day In & Day Out: A New Dawn

||Valeria||

Do I know what I'm doing?

Nope.

I've absolutely no idea. I'm just trying to live in the moment, taking everything as it comes with every step. Trying to see the bigger picture. Divulging myself into a spasm of vulnerability, taking a leap of faith for once in my life.

I don't know why I agreed to the date, all I know is that I agreed to it. That sounded just like a certain someone I know. That's the exact line Pius used on me. But that's not the point though. The point is me, agreeing to something I know I'll come out screaming for my dear life like a banshee, but do I regret agreeing to it?

Absolutely not and I'll make every passing minute count.

Besides it'll be worthwhile after all, because as much as I hate to admit it, Pius makes me feel things, things that are inappropriate for someone you consider an enemy. You can't get the urge to jump the person you happen to hate. So, this is me taking a risk, trying to rise above all else and shoot, hoping for the best.

"You ready to go?" Ndeshi pokes her head inside the room. I look up and nod my head yes, smoothing over the sky blue summer dress. I immediately started changing my clothes the minute Pius left the room. Thinking about him... that makes me smile. Didn't know me agreeing would mean so much to him. He left these room acting like a five year old that has been promise a day out at Disney. I never knew he had that side to him. The playful yet caring side. Showing a caring side to his most rivaled arch nemesis? Me.

I like it. A lot.

He kissed me on my forehead with a smile as big as that of a Cheshire cat, telling me I'll not regret it and left the room.

Kiss?

He has been doing that a lot lately, unconsciously if I may add, but today was different. He did it out of free will. He wanted to and I didn't stop him. Just that gesture of affection shows me that there is hope, and even if I know this will never end in something worth chocolates and roses but only in agony, I'm hoping.

What? Even idiots are allowed to hope and dream and no matter what happens, I'll let loose and enjoy this ride like nothing I've never enjoyed before, with my head held high and a smile permanently attached to my lips.

"Uhm, yeah." I respond in a feeble voice. "Didn't have anything anyways." I smile sadly. I lost everything I owned in the fire. Just few that I left at work and school were retrievable. Other than that I'm back to square one. The books? I'm lucky. I thought I'd some books at home that day but it so happens that I forgot my bag with some of my books, phone and wallet at the Diner. So, I'm save. I only lost few test papers, and somewhat unnecessary books, besides rest of my belongings.

"I know." She squeezes my shoulders. "Let's get going. Mom and dad are waiting for us in the car."

"Okay." I answer and like being stroke by lightning, a thunder of nausea hits me before I could leave the room. I find myself haunch over the toilet, having no idea how I got there, vomiting my guts out. I don't know how long I've been vomiting, completely lost into my world, and am startled when I feel Ndeshi's hands on my back, massaging it gently.

"Are you okay?" she enquires quietly with worry lace in her voice.

Am I okay? That's one question I don't know how to answer. Am I okay with being pregnant at seventeen years? Am I okay with being raped and living with the aftereffects of it? Am I okay with anything that happened to me? The answer is; No. I'll never be okay with anything. I'll never be okay with having a baby at seventeen. I'll never be okay feeling like a worthless trash, blaming and degrading myself. God, I'll never be okay with anything. Imagine, a baby? At seventeen? That was never part of my plan. It was never part of anything. In fact everything that transpired never did. If you would've asked me if my life would turn out like this ten months ago, I would've laughed in your face and said, 'Dream on, never in a million years.' But here I'm, facing the waves of the oceans, finding my way through the scorching sun, navigating my way through life in raging thunders. That was never the aim though. I wanted something different. I had big dreams. So, no. I'm not okay.

"I'll survive." I wipe at my mouth with toilet paper, flushing the toilet in the process. "Your dad says the nauseas just going to get worse with time. Apparently every woman experiences it differently. Some mild and some grave. Guess I got the tough shot." I stand up, smiling sadly.

"You going to be okay Valeria. I'll personally make sure of that." Ndeshi tells me. "You have me. You have mom and dad. You are not alone anymore. Now you have someone you can lean on so..." she trails off. "Just... please just let us help you. It pains me, seeing you like this and it even pains me more knowing the fact that there is nothing I can do to erase everything you've gone through and are still going through. What kind of a pig..." she swallows with a deep frown edge on her face. "You have me." She looks down at me.

"I know." I assure her. She smiles a pained smile and say, "Lets go." I nod and follow her out. We leave the bathroom, me trailing behind her, approaching the door, but I stop before exiting the room completely, taking in the sight of the room I have been in more than three times in less than two months.

This room signifies all that I've been through. The struggles and all the shit that tried to sink me deep under ground. But things are looking up now. I have hope to live for the first time in seven months. God, it has been long since I buried my parents. Can't believe they have been gone for almost eight months now. I feel so hollow and empty. I mean, I felt. Now I have people that've my interest at heart. And that's something.

I close the door behind me, walking down the corridor slowly. Stepping into the reception area, I wave at Sister Eliz without the letter -e as I have been forced to say. She is a senior nurse, probably forty years that is like a mother to me. She has three sons. One is older and is already working, and the other two are still in school. Apparently she wanted a girl but couldn't because of health challenges after the last boy. She kind of wanted me to go on a date with her older son, which I so gladly rejected, telling her timing was cruel and I'll never be ready. She never spoke to me about it, although I'm certain she's still hoping.

"I see someone is leaving this place at last." She smiles brightly.

"Yeah. Seems so." I laugh.

"Will you be okay Valeria?" she asks.

"Yeah, I will. I promise." I smile weakly.

"Please take care of yourself my dear. I don't want to see you here again, okay? Kind of also tired of seeing your face." She jokes to lighten the mood. I chuckle. "I'll try not to." I tell her before saying my goodbyes, leaving the hospital and into the crispy air of the late afternoon. I take in a deep breathe, feeling like I can breathe, at last.

Finally, the pain will be bearable.

I know the struggle is not yet over. There will be more following. There will be more tears, but at least now I'll have someone at my back. Someone I can lean on, and if I go by what Chantel told me, a war is coming. I don't know how and in what form but its coming. I know its coming and I'll need all the support. For now, let me enjoy the refreshing light air and take everything and everyday with glow before everything goes downhill again.

And with that thought, I throw my head up and stride to the waiting car of my newfound family like a diva. Stepping into it, I find three pairs of eyes looking at me expectantly, with soft smiles on their faces.

That makes me happy. I'm happy.

"Ready?" Dr. Hoveka asks.

"Ready as I'll ever be." I flash a bright meaningful smile in for ever, meaning every word of it.

Like I said, I'm taking a leap of faith and this is my first step at it.

As the car reverse out of the hospital and into the busy streets of Swakopmund, I smile, watching the passing cars, buildings, feeling like I belong somewhere. And what a great feeling it is. I've felt like an outcast for the longest time possible and something like this... there are no words.

Lets just hope all goes well.

Probably I'll let myself bask in all this with grace.

And maybe—just maybe I'll be okay.

At the least for a while.

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