I Am Human (bxb)

Hold Me Closely

"How?" He asked me, his face wet and red, shock laced through his expression and his eyes wide.

I thought for a moment. My throat felt on fire from speaking and I knew that I wasn't doing myself a favor by having to speak this much. But it needed to be done, I needed to tell him why even if it meant destroying my vocal chords.

"You... You were the only one..." I gasped for air through my wheezing lungs. My eyes were closed again, the pain of holding them open was too much, but I could feel Kai's hands holding onto mine tightly. "... that I could ever think about... and I know you felt it too."

"Jasper, don't talk if it hurts too much." Kai's sweet voice whispered into the hospital room. 

"And... and you took care of me more ... than anyone. I couldn't thank you enough."

"But look where that got you. You can't honestly say that I took good care of you, I practically neglected you-" His voice broke into another sob and I felt the shakes from his body on the bed. I so badly wanted for him to see how I saw the situation, I just wanted for him to know that none of it was his fault.

"You did it thinking it would save me ... you thought it was best."

"-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." His sobs cut in. The pain in my chest was growing with sympathy for him, I just wanted to wrap my arms around him, I wanted to hold him against my chest and hug him until he stopped crying and stopped blaming himself. So I did the only this I was capable of doing, with great effort I slowly moved one of my heavy arms up from his grasp and trailed my way up to his face. I gently wiped my thumb over the wet tear streaks that marked his smooth cheeks and cupped my hand around his jaw.

My stomach was filled with butterflies as the anticipating action. I swallowed a lump down my scratchy throat as I gathered my courage again.

"Stop." My raspy voice broke out, interrupting Kai's chants of apology. 

"-But-" Kai protested.

"-Kai I love you. So please stop this, you are forgiven. You have been forgiven since the moment ... Since the moment I heard you next to me in the halls at school. I don't need an apology, I need you to be here to help me recover. Okay?" My voice was withered and just a wheeze now, but he heard me. He heard every word I said. I felt one more tear fall down his cheek, and my thumb swept it away, caressing his face in my palm.

"I love you too." His trembling voice croaked. A smile spread on my pain-splattered face and I brought my hand down from his face to his hands again where he took both of them in his.

After a moment of silence I heard Kai shift in his seat.

"So how are you doing? Do you need anything?" His voice was merely a whisper. I nodded my head slightly, earning a spinning dizziness.

"Water?" I croaked.

"Okay, I'll go get you some. I'll be right back, I promise I won't be long." I nodded slower this time  as he pulled his hands away from mine and the coldness that settled in was uncomfortable. I already missed his touch. I heard his footsteps walk out of the room and my mind wandered to nothingness, soon I found myself in a dreamless sleep.

"Jasper?" I heard Kai's voice from far away, almost as if I were underwater. "I brought your water, and Ally was wondering if she could come see you soon."

I seemed to come closer to the surface, out of my dream state and forced my sore eyelids open slightly revealing Kai's haggard appearance. He looked like crap; his hair messy and greasy, his shirt tear-stained and crumpled, dark bags under his eyes and his face was all red and puffy. But despite that he seemed to force a small smile onto his face as he looked over at me from his seat.

"Can I have that water?" I wheezed, my hand stretching towards him. Hi nodded but instead of giving me the cup he leaned over, closer to me and brought the cup to my mouth helping me drink it. My heart swelled with affection as he brought his other hand to the back of my head to help tilt me to drink. After I took a few much needed sips, he helped ease me down to the pillow and brought the blanket back up to my neck. My eyes were open as slits, but I felt that somehow he could sense my gratefulness. 

"Is there anything..." Kai whispered, "...that I can do to-"

"No need. Just... Can you lie with me?" My raspy voice sounded strained. I saw him nod as he got up from his chair. He gently placed one hand under the small of my back and the other under my knees, lifting me with immense care to one side of the tiny hospital bed. Then lifted the blankets revealing my frighteningly thin form sort of covered with a gown. His eyes flickered over my body and his face grew grave,but he slipped into the bed carefully next to me and pulled the blankets around us. He made sure that all the tubes that snaked into my skin were on the other side and he wrapped his strong, warm arms around my cold, frail body. I felt like he was scared to get any closer to me, afraid he might break me, and I could sense how worried he was for me.

"Jasper have you been eating enough?" His chest vibrated against my shoulder.

"Yes." I choked out.

"I'm sorry I haven't been there for you, but I promise I will never leave you like that again."

"Stop. I know." I whispered painfully. I just wanted to fall asleep in his arms once again. My whole body ached and his touch was the only thing that eased the pain.

"I should have still made sure you were doing okay..." He mumbled to himself, "What was I thinking?..."

"Shhh..." I hissed out my battered lungs.

"Okay." 

His heart beat was so strong, and was lulling me into sleep again as his warm arms kept me safe and protected from the world. I felt as if I was cloaked in a blanket of sun, never knowing the harsh winter winds outside my little safe haven.