Guilt ✹ Tracob

5

"She's dying?" I asked.

"Mom has cancer.." Jacob said. "She didn't want me to find out, but I did, and she doesn't know I'm aware.."

"Well, what do you want me to do?" I asked.

"I don't know... but he's going to be there. He's going to be home.. and I don't need to be anywhere near that.." He started to tear up again. "I'm such a crybaby... I know.."

"Tyde, can you call Mum?" I asked my little brother. "Ask her if Jacob can stay over...."

"She won't mind?" Jacob asked.

"If she does... We'll sleep outside.." I said. "But she won't mind.."

/

"Hey Mum..." I said, getting home.

"I told your dad we're hosting... so he won't be alarmed.." My mum said, then gave me a hug. "You must be Jacob.."

"I am.." He smiled. "It's nice to meet you... Mrs. Mellet.."

"Please... call me Laurelle.." She smiled. "Come! Sit, sit! I'm just getting dinner finished up.. Are you hungry?"

"I don't want to impose.."

"Sit.." My mum demanded, then smiled when Jacob reluctantly sat down.

"Alright.." He chuckled. After dinner, Tyde went to his bedroom, and Jacob and I helped my mum clean up.

"Troye, can you take out the trash?" She asked.

"No problem.."

/

When I started to head back inside, I heard my mum and Jacob speaking.

"I just.. I really would like to thank you for letting me stay.." He said. "It's been an interesting day.."

"Oh, it's no problem, dear.. My son really likes you.."

"I.. I really like him.." He said in a giggly tone. "I'm in love.. but I feel like it could be ruined any second.."

"Ruined?"

"He told me you know about the livestream thing..." Jacob sighed.

"Yeah.. You.. You didn't do.. it...." She hesitated. "Did you?"

"I messed up..." He sighed. I walked back inside, pretending I didn't hear their conversation.

"Troye...."

"What?" I asked.

"Were you eavesdropping?" He asked.

"No.. pfft.... Why would I eavesdrop?" I tried to laugh it off. "Okay fine.. I didn't hear it all...."

"You're such a pain.." Jacob teased. "You can finish up in here.."

"Uh, no.." I laughed, hoping the laughter would fill the awkward silence.

/

Jacob.... Why?

I sat in my room at my computer, editing videos. I decided to film a new one, but locked my door before I turned the camera on.

"Hey guys!" I said. "Look.... About the livestream.... I'm truly sorry.." I hesitated. "I am gay. I am. I've been hiding that from you for a while now.... I'm sorry..." I felt tears welling up. "Things may just be changing now, and I hate that... I'm... I'm in love with the guy in that livestream. I am.... but I may have just... heard something that changes it all...."

I couldn't possibly upload this...

"I'm devastated... I'm hurt... I'm broken up about this... I'm... I'm struggling.." I cried on camera. "I'm sorry I'm like this.. I'm sorry your kids saw the livestream... I'm sorry I'm not the straight, eighteen year old singer you thought I was. I'm me... I'm Troye Sivan, and I'm eighteen. I'm gay... and I'm also very depressed... This is my last video..." I hesitated. "I'm.... I'm done.." I shut off the camera, and went to my computer to edit.

/

Once the editing was done, I added my title, and uploaded.

I can't believe it... He's... He was so perfect in my eyes.

The video went live about five minutes later, as I sat on my bed, crying as I fiddled with the bottles of pills I found in my bathroom.

"Troye?" I heard outside of my door. "Baby..."

"Go away.." I said, mumbling. "Please..."

"Troye, please... open the door..." Jacob said. "Please..."

"Why should I? So you can come in here, and destroy something else?"

"Baby...."

"No..." I cried. "I heard what you said... to my mother..." I watched the lights of my bedroom reflect off the, now empty, plastic bottle in my hands. "It's over..."

"Can you please open the door? We need to talk this through..." I felt my heart rate slowing down.

"N-o..." My speech was slurring.

"Are... Are you okay?"

"I wi-ll be..." I laid down in my bed.

"Troye..." I heard a voice, echoing through my ears as the world began to blur. It was Jacob. He must've broken in.

"Oh my God... Troye..." Tyde was by my side, along with Sage. My mum was nowhere near, and before I knew it.... Everything was black.

/

White. Bright, white lights... they burned my eyes as I started to open them. I felt weak, and I didn't know where I was, but it felt familiar.

"Troye..." Jacob said. "Why...."

"Why are you here?" I asked, still groggy from the pills and being unconscious.

"I love you..." He said. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... Yes, I did it.. I turned the camera on.."

"Why?"

"I don't know..." Jacob said. "I don't know why.. I'm sorry I did it, but why did you... do this?"

"I hate my life, Jacob..." I said. "I've tried so many times to find love, and all that ever happens is heartbreak. My boyfriends break my heart, and I'm depressed. My dad tried to stop me... He knew I'd get hurt, and I didn't believe him... until it happened.."

"What happened?"

"I was severely bullied in school..." I said. "My first boyfriend... he... wasn't my first boyfriend. He wasn't gay.... He asked me out on a dare, and when I met up with him..." I teared up. "He had his friends there.... The majority of the school.... They all beat me up, and left me there... left me bleeding out. The only way I got home was a passing bystander who witnessed it.."

"I'm sorry..." He said in a quiet tone. "For everything.."

"Don't..." I said. "Don't say those words..."

"But I mean it..."

"I don't want to hear it..." I repeated myself. "I don't want to hear it.... you need.... you need to move on..."

"Troye.."

"I'm not the one for you..." I said. "You said it yourself. You don't deserve me..."

"So much for saving your life..." Jacob stormed out of my hospital room, crying.

"Hey.." Sage said, at the doorway.

"Hey.." I said.

"Are you okay?"

"I will be..."