Guilt ✹ Tracob

6

My older brother came to visit, and when I was okay to be discharged, he took me back home. Mum and Dad weren't home, so Steele stayed until they came back.

"I'm sorry for what happened..." He said. "I really am..."

"I don't need to be sweet talked..." I said, curled up in a blanket. My phone started to ring, but Steele took it before I could.

"It's Kayla.." He said. "No..."

"She's my best friend.."

"You need to talk to me..." Steele said. "I'll invite her over... but only after you speak.." He answered my phone. "Hey.. It's Steele, Troye's brother. Troye is fine... We are going to have a little chat, and then you can come over if you want..."

/

"Troye, what's going on?" Kayla asked. "You've been distant.."

"I just attempted suicide. Sorry if you missed the memo..." I said.

"Why?"

"Because.... being me.... being me is the hardest thing. I'm just trying to find love, and nothing works..." I started crying. "First Tyler.... then Connor.... Now Jacob..."

"Troye, ser-"

"I try, Kayla.." I interrupted her. "I try to love, and all I get is... torture.."

"Seriously, Troye... You need to open your eyes.." She said. "People love you, and you have an amazing music career going for you.."

"I've been stuck with writer's block for two months..." I said. "This song... I can't figure out the next line..."

"Let me hear it.." She smiled.

"The truth runs wild... like a tear down a cheek..." I started to sing. "Trying to save face, and daddy heart break... I'm lying through my teeth... This voice inside has been eating at me... Trying to replace the love that I fake, with what we both need.." Kayla started singing with me. "The truth runs wild like kids on concrete... trying to sedate my mind in its cage, and numb what I see..."

"Awake, wide eyed..." Kayla sang. "I'm screaming at me... Trying to keep faith and picture his face... staring up at me.."

"Without losing a piece of me.... How do I get to Heaven?" I started the chorus. "Without changing a part of me... how do I get to Heaven?..."

"That's where you stopped?" She asked.

"Yeah.." I said. She took the lyric sheet from me, looking through the words.

"Try this.." She wrote down a few words, handing me the paper.

"All my time is wasted... feeling like my heart's mistaken... oh..." I sang. "So if I'm losing a piece of me.. Maybe I don't want Heaven.."

"There.." Kayla smiled. "Can you finish it from there?" I smiled back.

"Yeah.." I said. "Thanks..."

"Now... call him.."

"What?"

"Call Jacob.." She repeated. "Now.."

"He won't want to talk to me.." I sighed.

"I'll call him myself!" She took my phone, copying his phone number into hers.

"Kayla, please don't.."

"It's ringing... Too late.." She said. "Hey, is this Jacob Bixenman?" Kayla put the phone on speaker.

"Yeah... Who's this?" He answered.

"I'm Kayla Horwitz. I'm a friend of Troye's...." Jacob sighed. "Hello?"

"I'm still here... He's not with you.. is he?"

"He's here.." She said. "You need to come over to talk to him... please.."

"Kayla, I don't think I can do that.."

"Why?"

"Take the phone off speaker.." He said.

"It's not on speaker.."

"I hear my own echo. Take it off speaker, now please.." He demanded. Kayla did, and held the phone to her ear.

"Oh.." She said, seconds later. "I'm.. sorry to disturb you..." The call ended, and I felt my nerves erupting.

"What?" I asked.

"You need to forget about him.." She gave me a hug. "I don't want you getting hurt again, and he's bad news..."

"Kayla, what did he say?"

"I really can't say..." Kayla started tearing up with me.

"Please..." There was a moment of silence, then her mouth opened again with a few words. As she spoke, it was as if the last moments I had spent with Jacob were for nothing, but his own relief of a guilty conscience.

"He's with someone..."

/

I ran to my bedroom, crying heavily. Kayla followed me, sitting outside of the door as I locked her out.

"Troye, let me in, now..." She said. This time, I actually listened.

"I can't believe it.." I sat on my bed, my knees bent.

"I'm sorry..." She said. "I'm so sorry..."

"How could he do this to me?"

"You think... maybe he's hurting, too?"

"He caused this.." I said. "The livestream... He made this happen.."

"Did he apologize for it?"

"Yeah.." I sighed.

"Did you accept that?" I hesitated. "I'll take that as a no.."

"Am I a bad person?" I asked her.

"No.." Kayla gave me a hug. "And never think you are.... Please...."

"I told him he doesn't deserve me..." I cried into her shoulder. "I told him he needed to leave when he wanted to make sure I was okay... I invited him into my house..."

"I know..." She said.

"Now my life... is crumbling..."

"I'm so sorry..."

"Can you stay over?" I asked, and she nodded.

"I'll text my mum..." Kayla said, picking up her phone. "But she should be okay with it.."

"Thank you.." I sniffled.

/

That night, I must've fallen asleep with my head across Kayla's lap as she covered me with a blanket, letting me sleep. She didn't want to go to sleep until I was out, making sure I wasn't going to run off like before.

I woke up to the light of her phone screen, but she wasn't awake. There were text messages.

Kayla, I'd love to talk to Troye again.. but I'm afraid it's not going to happen.

My dad... he's going to kill him. He said if Troye was anywhere near me again, he'd kill him in front of me. Either way, he's going to kill me, too..

I'd rather die than let that happen to him. I do love him... but I need to stay hidden.

Please take care of him... And make sure he knows none of this is his fault.

Oh...

My tears fell onto Kayla's hand that rested on her lap.

"Troye?" She woke.

"I'm okay.." I said... a lie I made again.