Teach Me

Of Two Minds

a/n: jfc it's taken me rly long to update (sorry btw) but i am b-a-c-k with !two! new chapters for y'all,,, also this one is a big mess of feelings so i hope it turned out alright.
enjoy, fair readers!

Castiel stood still, unmoving, hardly daring to breathe. The atmosphere in the room was like the silence after an explosion, the darkness after a lightning strike. Cas looked Dean over carefully, his back was turned to him but he could see that his fists were clenched.
"I'm sorry Cas." Dean said in a strained voice as he turned round to face him. Dean's face was red, but not from embarrassment or from tears; it was an angry red. Furious even.
"I'm sorry too," Cas almost whispered. His heart felt like it had turned to lead inside his chest, and he couldn't help feeling like everything that had happened between them had been trickery and lies. Dean was a player, just a professor who got his his students to bribe him with sex in return for good grades. Even though Cas hadn't expected anything this drastic to happen, he still knew all along that something would go wrong and he hated himself for thinking for a single minute that things could have been different.
"You don't have to be sorry," Dean said urgently, taking a step towards him, his face suddenly twisting into a pleading expression of guilt. "You don't understand-"
"Oh, I understand perfectly well," Cas replied, hearing his voice start to shake.
"Cas it's not like that," Dean whispered desperately.
"Yeah, sure," he dismissed before snatching his bag up once again and moving purposefully towards the door.
"Cas no. Please, don't do this," Dean pleaded, his eyebrows moving together and rising up. He sounded like he knew this would occur, but he also sounded like he didn't want it to be happening.
Castiel took a deep breath, but didn't look back before he walked out and slammed the door behind him.

His heart was pounding, and his knuckles were white from clutching the strap of his bag, he felt hot emotion inside of him. He wanted to scream, he wanted to run, but he didn't move. Castiel stood motionless outside Dean's office, the silence deafening. A small part of him was screaming at him to open the door and go back inside, to hear the whole story before he threw it all away. He stood still, nearly twitching from the conflict he was feeling inside. Should he go back? Or should he leave? Move on, find someone who was less dangerous, less of a risk? He was of two minds, but suddenly he didn't have to decide because he heard Dean's door opening behind him, and felt his professor's presence.
"Castiel," Dean said softly, achingly.
Cas felt his heart jump in his chest as if it had been electrically shocked. The way Dean said his name was so heartbreakingly tender, hesitant, and sorrowful all at once. He couldn't help himself. Castiel turned around to meet his bright blue eyes with Dean's green ones. He felt like Dean was looking right through him, at the parts he didn't want anyone to see. He couldn't feel his face.
Dean swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing painfully against the lump in his throat. "Cas," he started again, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "I know this whole situation is fucked, and I don't expect you to want to hear me out but I just," Dean paused, taking a wavering breath. "I just can't help the way I'm feeling."
Cas was vaguely aware of his own sharp intake of breath, and the way his lungs hurt. What was Dean saying?
Mr. Winchester sighed heavily. He ran his right hand through his short sandy-blonde hair in a gesture that was taught with stress. "I'm sorry, I'm way out of line," he looked at Cas one last time, in a way that can only be described as pining. "I barely know you, but when we're together I feel like the best version of myself," he struggled to get the words out. "I just can't get you out of my fucking head, Castiel. All I think about is you." Dean spoke quietly, like he was telling a fragile secret, his voice shaking slightly. His eyes searched Cas's face, but Castiel couldn't reply, it was like his throat had sealed up to prevent his heart from crawling up out of it. Dean's face seemed to fall in response to Cas's silence and he nodded almost bitterly, pursing his lips and trying to keep tears from brimming up. He turned to go.
Castiel could stop himself, he saw his own hand flashing out to grab Dean's muscular upper arm.
"You're not out of line," was all Cas could manage to croak out.
Dean looked at him briefly before taking Castiel's hand tenderly in his own, intertwining his fingers with Cas's gently - not unlike the night before. Dean walked carefully backwards into his office leading Cas through the door. Castiel could feel his heart throbbing against his ribs at an astounding rate, the blood was rushing in his ears and he could hardly see straight. Just being around Dean was intoxicating. Abruptly however, Dean's hand had dropped, leaving Cas's cold. The door was still open, and Dean reached behind him to close it.
Castiel watched as Dean moved slowly across the room, he sat down on the edge of his desk, looking haggard and suddenly older than he was. Cas felt his heart jump again. Dean was what? Thirty? Castiel was only nineteen. He knew he had to say something soon, he had to tell him this would never work. End it before it started.
"Dean," Cas said, the rough edges of his voice scratching his throat. He couldn't think straight, he didn't know what to say. He had to put a stop to this but... he just couldn't bring himself to. That was when Dean looked up from his hands and their eyes met once again. Something inside of Cas clicked.
"I don't want to get you in trouble," he whispered, his words a quiet form of acceptance.
Dean sat up straighter, his eyes flashing with hope, "You won't."
"How do you know?"
"I managed to hide that fact that I like guys for pretty much my whole life, so I'm pretty damn sure that I could handle this," Dean grinned.
Castiel couldn't help himself. He laughed. The sound came burbling up from the bottom of his chest and spilled out. He felt like a cloudy sky that was giving way to sunshine. Dean was laughing with him, Dean seemed to really like him. Cas knew it was probably just the myriad of emotions he was experiencing that made him feel so giddy, but it felt safe even though it was dangerous to be feeling this way.
Their laughter tapered off.
"Dean I -" Cas sighed remembering once again the angry girl who'd called them faggots. His heart sank. "It's not going to work."
"We'll make it work," Dean said urgently, taking a step towards him.
The brief sunshine Cas'd felt a few seconds ago was quickly darkening, turning into a terrible feeling that made his heart race and his eyes water. He wanted this but it wouldn't, it couldn't. "How?" he whispered.
"Baby it's gonna be alright, I promise," Dean approached Cas slowly, like a wild animal that could run at any moment.
Cas couldn't do this right now, he was on emotional overload, his circuits were fried. "I'm sorry," he choked, tears rising. And with one futile glance back into Dean's pained and pleading eyes he ran out of the room for the second time that day.