I Left You This Box

December 25, 2018

I've been putting off writing this letter for awhile. But the doctors say I don't have much time left, and I need to do this so I can spend the rest of what time I have with you. I apologize ahead of time for any smeared ink, because I'm definitely going to cry.

Ever since I got diagnosed, you haven't looked at me any differently. My mother treats me like I'm one of the fragile pieces of glass she found washed up on the shore; my father is afraid to let me sing the heavy Whitney Houston songs on our karaoke machine because he doesn't want me getting winded; my sister lets me win at chess because I made a comment jokingly once that I wanted to win once before I died; Chris always wants to do everything for me (which is probably why I gave him the responsibility of the letters). Even your mother is careful with me, and Sinu told you to suck it up when you broke your arm once.

But you still give me that same goofy smile and kiss me with more passion than I ever thought possible. You make stupid jokes that nobody else finds funny, but they always cheer me up and make me laugh. You look at everything so much more optimistically than I ever could (you always had enough optimism for the both of us, though). And most of all, you've never looked at me with pity. Not once.

Even when you were spending hours online doing constant research to find ways of making me more comfortable, or to find different treatments and medicines that might not make me feel like shit. But I don't think you realized that you did that for me anyway. Even if my body wasn't working the way it should, and sometimes I felt like curling up into a ball and dying months ahead of schedule, you came over and cuddled with me and we watched Disney movies and it always made me feel better. You were the only medication that worked.

You were never scared. Though that's not completely true, we were both horrified when we found out I was dying. I should say you were never scared of me. When I had bad days where I was coughing up blood or where they had to take me to the hospital to remove the liquid from my lungs that was suffocating me, you never even flinched. You stayed with me and made it better.

You make everything better.

When I first met you, my initial thought was that you were hot as fuck. Which is true, but there was so much more to you that I'm so grateful I got the opportunity to discover. I made a list of things I love about you that I want you to read:

1) Your eyes are the most alluring thing ever. I've always loved the emotion that builds up behind them when you get passionate, or when you smile and they fill up with happiness. I could stare into them forever.

2) You're so beautiful. I know you don't think the same of yourself, but it's how I see you, and I'll never change my opinion no matter what you say.

3) You're the sweetest person I've ever met. You're always so good to me even though I never deserved it. And it's not just me, you're so kind to everyone you meet (unless they give you a reason not to be).

4) You're passionate and you're never afraid to speak your mind. I remember that time you took me to one of your seminars and all you did was argue and argue and I had this huge smile on my face and it was absolutely amazing. Never stop being passionate.

5) Your laugh is one of the most angelic sounds I've ever heard.

6) You're super smart. Sometimes you say things that I don't completely understand. Like when you use words like cacophony in everyday life randomly I'm just... I love you.

7) You never give up. You always look for another way.

8) You're creative and I admire your love of music so much. When you play me songs you've written you get this cute little crinkle and close your eyes and it's so amazing to watch. You just get taken into a completely different world and it's incredible. And you can sing like nobody's business.

9) Your smile is golden. I could be in the sourest mood and all you'd have to do is smile and like magic, everything would be okay.

10) Your lips are so soft and warm and every time you kiss me my head spins and I never want it to stop.

11) Your mind is remarkable. The way you look at things and the things you think about the universe are so enthralling.

12) As dumb as your jokes are, I always find them funny. I know the girls always roll their eyes, but they're so ridiculous that they're funny. And I'm just realizing you won't have anyone to laugh at your jokes when I'm gone (I'm sorry for thinking that way right now, but I can't help it). I'll tell Dinah to laugh for me.

13) I love how you always feel the need to pile under a million blankets even though we live in Miami and it's always sunny and warm.

14) I love how you keep your food separate on your plate because you don't like it when your foods mix.

15) I love how when you hug me you run your hands up my spine in this way that makes me feel all warm and cozy.

16) Your morning voice is so sexy and adorable all at the same time. It drives me. Crazy.

17) I love when you make me lunch because you know sometimes I forget to eat when I'm having a rough day physically.

18) I love when you steal my clothes and whenever I get them back (if I do at all) they smell like you.

19) And I especially loved that you left me your sweatshirts when you had to leave the hospital everyday (they never let you spend the night and it sucked). You knew I could never sleep when I got stuck there.

20) You brought me food from the outside world when all I had available was the nasty hospital food.

21) You always did that thing when we cuddled, where you traced circles on my skin. It calmed me down and always made me drift off quickly. And your boobs are super comfortable pillows, too.

22) Whenever we went on dates, you always argued with me about paying even though you're broke. You always tricked me and secretly told the servers to bring you the check when you were "going to the bathroom."

23) You know I love art, and always made me drawings or paintings whenever you could.

24) You write such beautiful words, whether it be lyrics for a song or poem.

25) You always get cold, but you never let me give you my jacket because you hate clichés. I love that you'd rather freeze then conform to society's dating standards.

I could keep going but I should probably stop so that I can get to your present.

My point is that I love you very much (which I try to tell you as much as I can, have you noticed?). I'm glad I had the opportunity to have been your girlfriend. I'm glad I got to tell you I love you everyday. I'm glad I got to kiss you and make you smile...

I know the situation sucks, but I couldn't have asked for anyone else to go through this with.

I need you to promise me a few things. Promise me you'll be happy. Promise me you'll open up to other people. Promise me (even though the idea of you loving someone else hurts me) you'll move on.

Ask Chris for your gift. It's a compilation of all the videos of us I could find. Tell him not to forget the box, too. It has all the memories I collected from our time together.

Don't forget me.

Love,

Lauren