All We Do ↠ Bellamy Blake

chapter sixteen

'And she finds it difficult to believe -

That a person would love her

Even when she isn't trying.

Trying to figure out what other people need,

Trying to be worthy.'

Margaret Atwood

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Bellamy was coming down from examining the grounders disappearance when Olivia found him. After they'd dealt with Dax, they gathered all the resources and headed back to camp. When they arrived back at camp, he'd shown everyone they had guns and told everyone that the next day they'd learn how to use them. Most of them were thrilled but she saw some reluctant faces in the crowd. After that, they'd arranged a meeting with Jaha whilst Bellamy had left with Miller to go to the dropship. Olivia felt like he was avoiding her since he hadn't spoken to her at all on the way back and had avoided her eyes ever since.

So when they were done arranging the meeting, she took the opportunity to seek him out. He still had blood and dirt on his face and she found herself grimacing as she took it all in. They were going to be meeting with Jaha pretty soon to give him a report on the trip and ask for Bellamy's pardon. He couldn't meet him in that state, not to mention, his wounds could become infected or worse.

He stopped when he saw Olivia, about to walk past her when she spoke, "Let me clean your wounds for you." He didn't reply, watching her warily. "Please," she added, gesturing to the space on the side. Bellamy blinked but nodded, going over to sit down. She wasn't sure why he was avoiding her but she was worried it was because she'd revealed her feelings to him and he didn't know how to respond to them. After all, she had no idea how to respond to them either.

As she gathered the stuff she'd need to clean him up, he spoke, asking her, "Did you have anything to do with the grounder disappearing?"

"How could I?" Olivia replied coolly, glad her back was to him as it made it easier to lie, "I was with you guys all day."

"And what a day it was," Bellamy sighed, eyes following her as she came to stand in front of him. It felt weird being in between his legs and he was still taller than her but she ignored all of that. Sure he was staring down at her intensely and sure she could feel the warmth of his breath but that meant nothing to her. It didn't matter that whenever she remembered her fingers intertwined with his, her cheeks would heat up; she'd already decided to deal with it later - maybe when the Exodus ship came down.

"Tell me about it," Olivia nodded, taking a wet cloth and raising it to his face. She paused as their eyes met but shook off the feeling, beginning to clean him up.

"What did you see?" Bellamy questioned quietly, "If you don't mind me asking."

Olivia furrowed her eyebrows as she thought of a way to answer the question, eventually replying, "I saw everyone. But you were all different. Sorry, I think that's all I bring myself to say for now." She'd been avoiding thinking about those hallucinations, not sure what to make of it. Did she really judge herself too harshly? She didn't think it was so bad that her psyche would manifest hallucinations to deal with it. "What about you?"

He gulped, "I saw all of the people I've killed." Olivia knew he was referring to the three hundred who'd been killed on the Ark for air - she also knew that he blamed it on the fact that he'd taken the radio. It was highly possible that having the radio could have saved those people's lives so she didn't reassure him. He didn't need or want her to tell him that it wasn't his fault - he needed forgiveness for the part he'd played and they'd given him that. They all had.