One shots (johnlock fluff mostly)

I wish you were here

A/N: tarame10 thanks for the prompt

He never told me. He hid it so well. The agony of being constantly scarred with a knife so hot it healed over the wound so you never died but you always felt. I'm still alive because I know he didn't give his life for me to throw it away. He's put a price on my life, made it worth something and the only person in control is me, and I don't want to live it anymore. I thought it was fake at first. that the blood that clotted around his wound was fake. I lose hope constantly, but then something reminds me to keep on living.

John had been given a choice, kill himself or if not, we both got killed, I would have liked it that way, that way that if there is an after life id be with John, not stuck here on earth, he'd be in heaven, id probably be in hell, but no god could ever keep me away from him. I don't know what that means. am I in love? its not as if it matters anymore.

once he was gone I felt like my heart slowly began to disintegrate, to turn to cinder as it burned within me, but it feels worse than burning, its being replaced by an icy hole that ant be filled until we reunite. I changed my mind about heaven, about god, because if I believe, maybe, just maybe there's a chance.

one more day. just one. one more day with john. tell him how I feel. what he did to me. I have so much to thank him for. he was so young. he was my soldier. my doctor. my best friend. my only friend. emotions are a chemical defect. I'm now on the losing side. is this how it felt when I faked my death, except this feels like I'm being torn from the inside out from shattered pieces of my broken heart, tearing at my skin. scarring me. marking me with pain. leaving me just a body with a broken soul.

so I guess it doesn't hurt to visit his grave everyday. tell him thankyou for so much. tell him the unspoken words. I love you john. if only you were here to hear me say it. 221b hasn't changed. well that's a lie, its not the same without john. my chairs abandoned. I live in yours now. I sleep in your bed. I haven't changed the covers. I cant lose the smell of you.

I got a parcel in the post. it gave me some hope. it was brown paper and wrapped so carefully, a note in your writing, 'heard you were cold', it looked like your doctor scrawl, formal but caring. your oatmeal jumper was inside. is it a cruel trick. or are you out there still. I know I'm dreaming. you wouldn't come back for me. I'm worthless. nothing. just another freak to this earth. I never said goodbye. I hoped I never had to. I'm never going to because that means its ended and I never liked endings. I tear the last page out of each book I read. I don't want you to end. I hate the finality of it all. say goodbye like your coming back. I heard you say that once. just another fragment of hope that will turn to sand when I realise your not really coming home.

****

woke up this morning. someone got into the flat. not that I care anymore. left a post it note on your computer. same writing as the parcel, but more rushed. only three people have a key to this flat. me. you. hudders. just a yellow post it, 'miss you'. if its you john. I miss you too. more than my vocabulary ranges. but its not you is it. I need to stop getting my hopes up.

never have I worn a jumper. but I wear yours over my jacket, under my coat. it smells like you, that sweet cologne you wear, your cheap shampoo that I grew to love, and that unexplainable smell of bakewell tarts, sweet and nutty a bit like you. give me more clues. I cant stand to think I'm right. its weird to beg to be wrong, but if I'm right then this is a cruel game, if I'm wrong, I hope i'll see you soon john.

****

back at your grave. no coat. you don't have a coat where I fear you are really. if the closest I can be to you is to go through what you feel then that's what i'll do. I walked here in a thunderstorm. I always hated storms. used to scare me. but nothing can scare me as much as I was when I lost you. nothing will ever be as bad as losing you. mycrofts getting concerned. that's a start. wish you were here to hear the sarcasm. wish you were here to say it. I sound like bad postguard, 'wish you were here' when truthfully the sender wishes nothing of the sort. I wish you were though john, I don't know how to phrase it any better. maybe I just wish I was with you. see you. feel you. hear you. I hear you all the time, am I going crazy?