Short poetry and passages

Letter Of Indifference

Dear you,

You know I cry. Sometimes it's work, sometimes stress, but it's mostly family. You know that. You know I have been threatened with my life. You know my life has crossed (hopefully) quite a few dangers. You know that I live with a stress problem and a resultant disease. You know all that. Yet you never say anything. Never a word of care, support or consolation.

I loved how we were extremely close. A couple of years ago, you had all the time in the world to chat with me. I mistook that for care. I told you everything, almost. It took me time to know I was just someone to chat online when you get bored. I was never the priority you would choose to talk face to face or even on the phone. I realised too late that it was tears that you gave, not smiles.

You never talked to me. Never looked me in the eye. Never a smile, never a glance.

With the motivation of a mutual friend, I somehow got you to sit down and talk to me for once in the two years I have known you. I told you how much I needed you. The reply was as simple as needle, but it pricked hard too. You didn't have the time for me. Nor were you emotional. You openly admitted that you chose to be indifferent towards me because you were worried about what people might talk. Nothing I ever said could change your mind.

I just wish you took that off your mind. I always wanted to give love and receive that in return too. Years long, I have been showering all the love I can on you. I have cared too much, yet never enough and never exhausting. But I haven't got as much as a glance from you. You flinch if I mention how much I love you. You hate the word, even though I have told you millions of times it's nothing but care. I call you my best friend but I have to think twice before I mention "care"," like" or " love" in a sentence

It hurts me. You care more about what others say and you're ready to give me up for that. On the other hand, I gave up one of the most precious relationships I had, just because I couldn't tolerate a word against you.

It's just that I wanted you to care. I want you to care. Unfortunately, you claimed you don't show care. Your silence was who you were. You're smiles were reserved for others. I never occupied a place in your mind or heart. When you see me, your mind thinks of ways to escape. I am a nuisance. But again, I asked you if I should leave you alone. I asked if I was troubling you. And you always said "Never". It confuses me as hell. Someone who wouldn't give love or care and thinks so much to even accept me publicly as a friend actually doesn't want me to leave him alone. Yeah. That sums up you.

I've told you that I am not and won't fall in love with you. It's true. If I ever fell for you, you'd be the first person to know. You know that. Just because a few of your friends tease you, it doesn't mean you give up on me. But you insist on being affected by that. You don't want to change. Again, I shouldn't expect you to change for me, even if something you're doing hurts me nearly to death.

I see girls and guys hanging around casually as best friends everywhere. classroom, school, neighborhood, everywhere. I have heard and seen guys never give up their girl best friends and the girls being equally fierce. I have always wanted us to be like that. Just that in our case, it's only me who's being protective and trying to be close. It makes me feel embarrassed and I even feel if I am clingy. You said I was not, but I am not sure I believe it. You always acted as if you wanted to avoid me. If that's not hate, what is?

It's funny, your friends tease you for fun and they talk to me more than you do! They have always smiled, said a hi, waved a hello and talked to me. They never thought of what people would say if they talked or smiled or waved at me.

The funnier point is that they were and are nothing to me. But you, who I think as an important priority in my life; you, who I talk so fondly about to everyone ; you, whom I lost a beautiful friendship for, you... You are a lot of things to me . Just that you don't care.

It would really be helpful if you said you didn't care when I asked if you did. You always said you did care . At the same time, you accepted to be in a constant state of indifference too. Let me tell you, there's no bigger torture than saying you care but never being there for me. Blunt truths hurt lesser.

I don't know how long I will let you hurt me. I know you will never care or put an effort to care for me. You wouldn't care if I cried for hours,you wouldn't care if I hurt myself and you wouldn't care if I died tomorrow. For all I know, you probably wouldn't even attend my funeral because people might talk, huh? Yeah. That's you.

But I don't know why I never can hate you. I can't. I just can't. Maybe it's just that flicker of hope that one day, you will realise.

- Me