Sitting on the couch, Chet was getting in his morning dose of Ancient Aliens when the alien mothership—shrunken to the size of a booger—traveled across time and space only to suddenly appear on the crumb of a Doritos chip, which had been on the floor alongside dozens of others for quite possibly a decade. Maybe longer.
"If the theory of evolution is correct, we should be seeing a slow, steady progression. We're actually not seeing that."
"Yeah, no shit, buddy. It's fuckin' aliens!" Chet shouted at the funny-sounding British man on the TV as he loaded up his bong for another big rip.
The mothership on the Doritos chip opened its door, and, as if given a nacho-cheese runway, two aliens stepped out of the ship and onto Earth for the first time.
"Could it be... some koind of aaalien artifact...?"
Coughing, Chet chuckled and set the bong down on the table where he rested his feet. "Man, I love that David Childress dude with his funny voice, man. Shit."
The two aliens, now clear of the ship, both pressed a button on their suits and immediately grew to their normal size. They stood behind the couch and examined the shabby conditions of the house, disappointed in the lukewarm intergalactic welcome they were receiving.
Chet didn't notice them, too busy staring wide-eyed and stoned at the TV, where a man with Einstein-style hair was making questionable claims about evolution.
The two aliens walked around the perimeter of the couch and stood on opposite sides of the TV.
Looking back and forth at each, Chet muttered, "Yo, dudes, got some Budweisers in the fridge if you want 'em. Otherwise come chill and rip the bong with me, eh?" Then he stared at the TV some more, jaw lowered nearly to his chest, drool dripping down his chin.
"Ancient-astronaut theorists believe..."
"Hello, human," said the left alien.
"Dude, shut the fuck up!" Chet shouted. He raised his hands at the TV. "Aw, fuck. I missed it."
"We come from a faraway galaxy," said the right alien.
"And we are here to probe you in ways you have never before experienced," added the left.
"Man, get the fuck outta here. You aren't aliens. You're fuckin' gingers with bad acne."
The aliens touched their head and hair with self-consciousness.
Chet pointed at the screen, which currently showed greys, reptilians and hybrid creatures with blonde hair and big tits. "See! Those are fuckin' aliens, you bozos. You two are just ugly fuckin' firecrotches. Now blaze this joint with me. I wanna get high." He licked the gum strip and folded over the paper, sealing the joint. Sparking it up, he took a long drag and, coughing, held it out for the left alien to take. "Grab the fuckin' joint, dude. Jesus. It's like you never blazed with me before, bro. Don't you remember last 4/20?"
"But could it be true? Ancient-astronaut theorists say yes."
"But we are not from your world. We are therefore alien," said the left as he tilted his head, trying to discover the mysterious workings of the smoking joint.
Chet pointed at the screen again. "If you fuckers are real aliens, then you know what those are."
The aliens looked at the crop circles on the screen.
"They are man-made designs," said the right.
"Made with some primitive, flat object and a lot of time," said the left.
"Man, shut the fuck up," Chet said. "They debunked that walking-with-boards shit, like, two seasons ago. There's no way some stupid British fuck with bad teeth is wasting his time making shit like that. That's alien shit."
"Oh" was all the left could think to say. This was not turning out how they had thought. The plan was to arrive on Earth and dominate the most-intelligent life-forms there, but they did not see how this crude, rude and foul-smelling creature could possibly represent the most-intelligent life-form on Earth.
The right continued trying to interact with the Earthling, but was quickly shot down in their attempts to engage. Meanwhile, the left waited near the Dorito chip, ready to shrink down and beam away on the mothership, still hopeful of finding a worthy world to dominate.
At some point, when Chet had passed out, the right alien joined the left alien on the ship, which ascended into the air and disappeared out of sight, crossing time and space in search of better slaves.
Chet awoke with a start. "Hey, that fuckin' redhaired fucktard stole my damn joint!"
"Ancient-astronaut theorists say yes..."
