Fire! Chaos! Destruction!
Rztilqtip threw back his round membranous appendage and cackled as his fleet rained protonic energy blasts on the hapless inhabitants of the planet. Silly, feeble, watery meat sacks! Soon this planet and its survivors would belong to Rztilqtip.
One of the inhabitants passed back him, a male of the species, in a strange drab covering offset by an ineffective colorful rope hanging around his neck. His shrill cries were sweet sweet music. Rztilqtip soaked it in with glee, his gelatinous phalanges soaking up the emotion. Fear was delectable and spicy. Rztilqtip was so preoccupied with his snack he didn't see the ship until it buzzed low enough to singe his round membranous appendage. He glanced up at the insignia and scowled.
He muttered several words in his native tongue which roughly translated to "F*ck me", asterisk included. Rztilqtip's species were very p.c.
The ship landed with the sort of haughty grace only the Office of Intergalactic Regulations and Policy could achieve. Rztilqtip's phalanges wobbled with unease as a landing dock descended from the ship, followed by an unfortunate wet plop as the Glorguth landed on the ground. Since this world wasn't covered in water and possessed a much higher gravitational density, the unfortunate Glorguth spent several moments looking like a deflated slug before the environment controls of its suit kicked in.
It inflated with a series of slurping noises that made Rztilqtip cringe before it raised its upper body, and brushed some dirt off the front of its rather drab environment suit. Straightened, it undulated toward Rztilqtip, pausing a couple feet away where it peered up at him through its triplicate miniscule eye holes.
<Rztilqtip explain your actions here!> The Glorguth blasted him telepathically, lacking a mouth as they absorbed nutrients through the skin.
Rztilqtip frowned, looking around at the obvious invasion in progress. "Conquering this wretched planet...sir." The sir was more for respect than certainly of gender. He was fairly certain the Glorguth's didn't have one. But this one was an officer of the IRP which could make his life hell if they were so inclined--
<I am aware of what your are attempting here, Rztilqtip, but you seem unaware this is the wrong planet.>
Rztilqtip froze for two precious seconds, the sounds of sizzling flesh and explosions a chaotic symphony behind him. The Glorguth's lower body shimmied with irritation. Rztilqtip whipped out his communicator, turning away to shout a few frantic orders to the fleet before turning back to the IRP officer. The destruction came to a screeching halt, ships hovering in the sky, waiting for orders.
Rztilqtip held up his gelatinous phalanges. "There must be some sort of mix up. I filed a hostile invasion claim last week, including all six hundred and forty two color coded copies."
The Glorguth shivered, expunging a thick multicolored pyramid from the folds of its body. It held the pyramid out with its feathery appendages, examining the contents. <It says here you filed a hostile invasion for planetary body #4562189678585838-3>
"That's right, and I took the promissory exams, did the research, everything." Rztilqtip fidgeted, aware the eyes of the entire fleet were on them.
<In your exam, how did you describe the inhabitants of this world?>
"Um, watery meat sacks?"
If it as possible the Glorguth's tiny eye holes squinted further at him. <That does not sound like proper terminology Rztilqtip. What is the colloquial term used by the species itself?>
There was a long pause as he tried to recall that tedious and absolutely useless piece of information. It was obviously too long for the Glorguth, who flopped the tip of its body in a move equivalent to a foot stomp.
<Honestly, Rztilqtip, it amazes me you passed your third primary maturation cycle.> The Glorguth snarled. <The species of planetary body #4562189678585838-3 are called Ickthalians. Do you know why that is important, Rztilqtip ?>
He could feel it was a trap but there was little he could do to stop the nervous slime seeping from his round membranous appendage. "I filed an incorrect answer on the exam?"
<It is important because the species of this planetary body are called humans. The inhabitants of planetary body #4562189678585838-4>
The slime seepage thickened, leaving snot trails down the back of his jumpsuit. Oh, he'd done fucked up back. No asterisk could save him now. "This is the wrong planet?"
The Glorguth threw the pyramid up into the air, throwing a dazzling prism of lights on the underbelly of the gathered fleet. <This is the wrong planet! Do you have any idea how much paperwork this will cause? Do you? Get your arse on the bloody ship before I peel off your gelatinous exterior!>
Rztilqtip trudged after the raging Glorguth, feeling like an absolute cad. He passed a huddled group of the planet's watery meat bags--humans, staring at the pair in total fear. Normally he would love to soak up their emotions but apparently he was on the wrong bloody planet.
"Sorry! Sorry! Honest mistake!" He shouted at them, shrugging when they cringed in fresh terror. The Glorguth made a flatulent snort as it lead him to its ship that would take him to the IRP headquarters. The fleet would never let him hear the end of it. That was, after he spent a few months filing the accidental invasion report. F*cking bureaucrats.
<I heard that.>
