Cornfused (Petekey)

You've Got That Seed In You

What was it about Patrick that made me attracted to him in the first place? I don't really remember. Was I moving on too fast? It's been a year. Yet, I feel guilty about it. He was supposed to be the love of my life. We were supposed to get married and have a family.

I guess that just won't ever happen.

It was probably for the best that we didn't end up together. But you'll always have that thought at the back of your mind about what could have been. I loved- love Patrick. Even if he isn't in my life anymore. I hope he's happy wherever he is.

I know I'll find someone else. But I lucked out the first time. This could be described best as the ripest apple on a tree. I picked it, yet I still earned the seed.

And it's almost as if life just wanted to see me fail. Nothing has ever gone right. The only time I found something that gave me even a small piece of hope, was the summer before Patrick left me. 

His family owned a farm up in Detroit. I had previously told my parents and friends that I had been invited to be an intern in Michigan for the summer. It was only partly true. Though, I wasn't an intern, I did spend the entire summer with Patrick.

We slept in the same bed for almost 3 months. I will never forget the feeling of getting to wake up next to the most beautiful human being in the world. He made me feel wanted and as if there was more to life. Everyday wasn't like the last and that was all I needed. I never wanted to be with someone who didn't make me excited to exist.

That was also the summer that Patrick and I became more intimate with each other. He took my virginity and I don't think I would have changed that.

Every time I think about that summer, I'm reminded that I don't get to live that way anymore. When I came back, all I spewed were bullshit stories about a job I never had. Things I never experienced.

No, I didn't feel guilty about lying to the people who cared about me.
I've kept Patrick a secret for almost 4 years. No one has ever known the truth.

And I'm glad. Going through heartbreak alone was probably better for me. I sometimes wished things didn't end the way they did.  Patrick meant everything to me and I know I meant the same to him.

Moving on from him was difficult. That was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. How can you move on from the love of your life? Sure, we all think that about our first love. But he was so much better than that. He cared about me so fucking much. No one had ever loved me as much as he did. Maybe someday we could be a thing again. I was still hopeful that that could happen. But what happened between us couldn't be fixed. Deep down, I knew the days where Patrick loved me were over.

-

"Thanks for letting me stay with you and Iva, 'Trick," I tell Patrick as I reach for his hand which he takes without a second thought.

"Oh please, the things I wouldn't do for the best boyfriend I could have asked for. Not to mention I get to have you all to myself for the entire summer." He whispers the last part in my ear. I feel myself getting chills. Sure, we've never actually been that intimate before. But knowing him, I just knew it was going to happen soon. I didn't think we were that young. I just turned 16 a week or two ago so maybe it was time. He was a year or 2 older than me but I've never seen it as an issue for us.

We begin to walk hand in hand into the old house that belonged to his older sister. She came here to work for the summers since she lived in Croatia. It was a nice, cabin looking home. I've always wanted to live in one.