Welcome Back, Riley

Chapter 8

trigger warning: suicide attempt, cancer, death

Neither one of us says anything for what feels like forever. I know he is going to want to know what happened, but I don't want to tell him I don't want to relive it. I, however, don't have much of a choice.

"I want to know everything that happened. I don't want you to hide anything." Lucas commands.

I sniffle, "It's a long story." My words slur a little. The drinks are really start to hit me.

I think Lucas noticed. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere." I nod my head and he disappears into the reception.

Maybe I should just leave. I can hide out in my parents' apartment, change my flight to first thing in the morning. He won't know where to find me. I can be gone. It'll be easy, but I won't. I can't do that to him.

"Here drink this." Lucas hands me a water bottle. "Maybe you should sober up first."

"If I sober up completely, I won't be able to tell you." He nods. "So, you want to know everything?"

"Please." I look into his eyes and I see sadness. It's been there since I told him. If I'm being honest it's been there since I saw him my first day back in front of Topanga's. The sadness is just amplified.

I walk more down the hall, trying to get as far away from reception as I can. I still don't even think I should be telling him right now, but it's now or never. I find a bench and sit down and he follows suit.

"Whenever you're ready," Lucas says.

"That's the thing I don't think I'll ever be ready." I take a swig of water. "But you need to know." I take a deep breath. "I'll start from the very beginning, from when I left."

"I was five weeks pregnant when I left. I was actually going to tell you after prom; I wanted one last day I could pretend it wasn't real. I was terrified, Lucas. I was 17, and you were 18, we were not ready to be parents. We had our lives ahead of us."

"No one knew where I went, only some family. But most importantly, no one knew I was pregnant. Well except Maya. I knew I had to tell her something, or she would run to my parents and tell them the situation I was in. They would probably force me home." I take a deep breath. "When I called to tell her I had an abortion, I was on my way to the clinic." My eyes start to water. I can't cry now I haven't even gotten to the hard part yet. "I was going to go through with it. I did need the clean break, but once I got there I couldn't go through with it."

"I glad you didn't." Lucas says quietly.

"Yeah, but sometimes I wish I did."

He looks at me shocked, "why?"

"A lot of heart ache could have been prevented." I choke back the tears that I'm not ready to let fall yet. I look over at him, and he is looking down at the floor. "When I first got to where I am living now, I didn't know anyone. I was living in a tiny studio and jobless. That wasn't how I had pictured it, but I also wasn't supposed to leave so soon. I just needed to get out of New York as soon as possible."

I look over at Lucas, who is still looking at the ground. "When I decided I was going to keep the baby, I had to look for a job. I found one pretty fast. There was a café down the street where I lived. I went in one day looking for a job. It was owned by this nice couple, Michael and Jessica. They really took a liking to me, as I did them. Once they found out I was pregnant, they just grew more protective over me. It was almost like having my parents there."

"Some strangers knew that you were pregnant, but you couldn't tell the people who love and care about you." Lucas snapped. "I would have been there if you just told me. You never gave me the opportunity."