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ㅡPRESENT. " deep into the darkness peering, i stood there. wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal had dared to dream before. "
"got any sevens?" my best friend, mei asks from across the creaky, circular table. i run my fingers across the unleveled wood, wincing as a thin layer of skin is pricked by a splinter.
i glance around the empty cafeteria. it's midnight, when mei and i usually play cards, so of course no one is here. everything is dis-colored, varying from white, to grey, and back to white. it's about as bland as you can get. white tile, grey tables.
"hello? yoongi?" she questions, one of her nimble fingers tapping on my hand twice. i turn back to her and shake my head, pointing to the pile of crumpled, old cards in front of us.
"go fish." i say. she sighs deeply and grabs a card, obviously unpleased with what she draws. i glance at her frustrated face and smile.
"your eyes..." i begin, in the soft and raspy voice i am forced to call my own. mei tilts her head to the side, almost like a dog trying to understand a new concept to its fragile brain.
"they're like... electric. a storm cloud, blue and grey. piercing, really. they aren't heavy, and they aren't blunt, they're just... apparent." mei looks down and sighs, a pink blush creeping up on her cheeks.
"you should be a poet." she chuckles. "seriously, yoongi, you speak like a poet."
i grin and lay down three queens, pondering the idea of me being a poet. "thanks."
"playing cards by yourself again, huh?"
i glance up, and mei's appearance had faded into thin air. her eyes, the beautiful darts that seemed to be staring into my soul had disappeared along with the rest of her. i grit my teeth in anger and look up at the guard.
i know she's gone- she has been for almost a year.
but he can at least let me pretend.
he looks down at my lip, which i've been biting so much little trickles of blood begin to slowly drip down my chin, and looks at my eyes, tears welling up in them. his face softens.
"look, i'm sorry kid. lights out in ten, okay? you might want to head back to your room." i nod and keep my eyes on the table, not needing to look up to figure out who's talking. his name is matt.
matt. the name tastes putrid on my tounge. like a bunch of sour patch kid dust all piled up at once. his voice reminds me of a cold and dark place, one i can't escape from no matter how hard i try. almost like a black hole.
i shake the thoughts from my mind and stand up, shuffling the cards and placing them in the small plastic bag. i set them on the counter and proceed to the elevator down the hall.
my room is the perfect temperature when i enter. cool, like a midsummer night's breeze traveling through your window. i sit at the edge of my bed and stare at the wall for a moment, blinking several times in an attempt to bring mei back.
it doesn't work. she's probably hiding from matt. hell, i would too, if i had the chance.
i lay in a somewhat comfortable position atop the blankets, curling myself into a ball. even though i rarely sleep, i might as well try to since mei isn't budging.
as my eyes finally squeeze themselves shut, slowly but surely, the sound of a wheelchair being rolled onto the tile outside of my room startles me awake.
i climb out of bed and creak the door open, peeking an eye out and glancing around.
i don't exactly get a good look at his facial features, but i can tell his skin is pale. not a sickly pale (though he has to be somewhat 'sick' to be here) but an elegant porcelain shade. almost like the pale of a creepy doll. though, he isn't creepy at all.
as a matter of fact, he's quiet beautiful.
his hair is dyed bubble gum pink, and is left in low cut bangs, swept to the side. his head is hanging to the left, but his eyes-which i can't seem to catch the color of- are drifting in and out of being open.
they seem dull, lifeless, though i can tell he is fairly aware of the current situation. he's being admitted to a mental hospital and he's still calm. maybe they drugged him.
they have to drug a lot of patients to get them to stop screaming.
"is he new?" i recognize the voice instantaneously. unlike matt's, mei's voice was smooth. like honey, and the finest candies one could ever dream of.
i turn to see her hand on my shoulder, her blonde hair falling down to her chest in a messy way. i smile and shrug.
"i guess." she softly shuts the door and sits on the chair next to my bed. it's for visitors, not that any one bothers to come. she places her hands in her pockets and uses a finger to brush aside her hair.
"your hair, mei. it's-"
"it's a certain tint of yellow that can only be compared to wet sand in between your toes." she smiles sweetly. "trust me, i know."
i chuckle and sigh. "sorry."
"no, no, it's okay. trust me. i love it when you get all shakespeare on me."
mei is the only one who's heard the way i truly talk. she calls it gibberish, shakespeare , whatever she's in the mood for. i talk about what i see, my perspective, and just hope it doesn't annoy her.
"you should get some sleep, yoongi." she whispers, her tone instantly calming me down. i nod and she tucks me under the covers and sits by my bed.
i lay awake, and when i look back over, mei is gone. i groan and shove my face into the pillow., sighing. i try to take my mind off of her by examining the pillowcase. it's a color of white, but not the bland white.
not the type of white that makes me feel scared. the type of milky, eggshell white that you find when you dispose of the remnants of scrambled eggs.
i continue this method, examining every object in the room separately. i drift into what mom used to call "sort-of-sleeping" when i lived with her.
you know, where i kind of 'fall asleep' but not really? to put it into perspective, i lay there and focus on my breathing, and everything around me disappears.
it's not exactly pleasant, but it isn't displeasing either. i lay, i don't dream, i don't think.
