Initially, Sandy was tempted to quit but her previous declaration to stop being so melodramatic about everything stopped her from doing so. She told herself again and again recently that she was not going to run away from change. But if she backs out she'd be doing exactly that.
After the conversation with Dong-hae, Jae-suk sunbaenim called her to his cubicle to discuss details regarding her new position. "Sandy... or should I call you Dara?" Yoo Jae-suk asked as soon as they were alone.
Sandy's eyes widened in surprise. No one has called her Dara in a long time. Even her parents have gotten used to calling her Sandy now.
"I'm sorry. I accessed your records, Sandy. When I first saw you years ago I thought you looked familiar but I didn't really think much about it."
"I'm sorry sunbae-nim." Sandy apologized.
"No. Don't apologize. It's your life. I'm sure you have your reasons why you didn't disclose that part of your life and I'm not going to ask. I'm going to respect that." He told Sandy.
"But I want to ask what name you would like to go by once you officially start your program? Sandy is fine. If you want to use Dara again it's also fine by me. A lot of people still have memories of cute Dara circa 1980s. It can be good for publicity. It's your call though."
Sandy took a few moments to gather her thoughts. "Dara symbolizes to me the highest and the lowest points in my life. It's hard for me to go back to that time. I've gotten used to Sandy because I wanted to forget the me that was Dara. Sandy was my escape. Becoming Sandy helped me survive but Sandy also represents my cowardice to face life. To be honest sunbaenim I don't know what to use between the two."
"I've lately felt this need to make a change in my life. I realize being given the opportunity to be a DJ can be an opportunity for me to do that. Even though it terrifies me I want to make the best out of this but if I use Dara or Sandy I somehow feel as if I'll regress instead of progress." She looked helplessly at the man she had come to respect.
"I have a suggestion. Why not call yourself Sandara. Just Sandara without the surname. Sometimes we think that to move forward we have to forget the past but sometimes moving forward means accepting the past. Embrace both the Dara and the Sandy in you. Reinvent yourself and become the Sandara that you were always meant to be. Your parents named you after one of the greatest generals in our country's history. Your name calls for greatness, why not be that?" He looked solemnly at the girl before him and saw eyes that were filled with equal parts fear and hope.
The days passed swiftly after that. She covered for Ahn Kyung Jin for two days until the older lady was able to resume her slot. She was then given the last three hours of airtime every night from 10pm to 1am.
The team brainstormed and came up with the concept of having a forum were listeners can anonymously confess on air anything they want to express. Except for those who work the graveyard shift, people who listen to the radio during the midnight hours are usually those who couldn't sleep because they are burdened with stress.
The idea was to give these people comfort through music but at the same time give them a chance to unburden themselves without fear of judgment or rejection. They launched the program under the name, Switchboard Confessional with Sandara in allusion to the American band, Dashboard Confessional.
The program was met initially with moderate success and positive reviews. They had set high hopes for the show and as the days progressed the listeners responded as they had all hoped. A week into the new program, the calls and the messages coming in was starting to increase that she couldn't accommodate all of them on air.
It was a good thing that Minzy already created a webpage to accommodate the possible overflow of confessions. Interesting posts would be read in between songs and lucky callers would also be able to anonymously verbalize their confessions.
One listener, however, made a distinct impression on Sandara. He was using the username iguana1988. He was one of the first people who posted on the site. Sandara couldn't get the words out of her head after she had read them on air.
'Don't say a thing
I act tough but I'm not inside
Don't abandon me
You know that there's no one
who will understand me like you,
Me, whom you love,
Sorry I'm a bad boy
Yes, just leave me, good bye,
you're a good girl
The more time passes, the more you get to know me,
only disappointments will remain.'
Days after that she still couldn't shake the words off her mind. She talked about it with Bom as they sipped coffee in their balcony.
"You know why you can't get over it? Because maybe it reminds you of someone. Someone from your past. Not to mention that his username has a lizard's name on it. Your thinking: 'could this lizard be the same lizard from the past?' That further adds fuel to the flame. I'm guessing part of you wishes its him but part of you also hopes its somebody else, right?" Bom, as usual, was spot on in her deduction. It was pointless for Sandara to deny. A contemplative silence then fell between the two friends.
No matter how hard she tries to embrace change. No matter how hard she tries to get herself out of the slump. Her life always cycles back to its default melodrama setting.
Bom was starting to get worried. Her friend have been overcome lately by an infinite loop of sighs. Something tells her that it has something to do with a certain iguana that everyone calls Gdragon. If this continues for much longer, Bom was going to take matters into her own hands. She's already contemplating on 101 ways to skin that lizard alive. The Bominator in her is waking up.
After a week of hiatus, iguana1988 resurfaced with another evocative confession:
'It's been a long time since I've forgotten about love
I can't listen to hopeful love songs anymore
You and me both
We're just sad clowns, tamed and scripted
I've come too far
I wanna go back
To when I was young
I'm a loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent in the mirror
It's a cycle of girls and mistakes
Love them for one night
And hate them when morning comes
Can't own up to it
Because of my selfish pleasure
Everything is being ruined
Can't stop this dangerous full speed run
Now I have no interest, no fun anymore
I'm standing alone at the edge of a cliff
I'm going home
I wanna go back
To how it was before'
His confessions stirred her emotions. Her heart ached when she first read the words. It was a cruel irony that the program that was meant to unburden the troubled soul and ease its listeners to sleep, sent its host home burdened with the weight of a confession.
Sleep evaded Sandara for most of the night. Dawn was already extending pink fingers into the sky when exhaustion finally dragged her to sleep.
(Lyrics in italics are taken from GDragon's songs. Bad Boy english translation is from kpopviral.com and Loser english translation is from kpoplyrics.net)
YOU ARE READING
The One Who Got Away
Fanfiction(Also posted on AFF.) They met when he was the newest singing sensation to rock the kpop music scene. He had the perfect blend of looks, wit, charisma with the added bonus of a killer smile and smoldering stare that could make teenage girls swoon...
