Pocket Full of Posies

Chapter Thirty-Two

In the time of Facebook, it's no wonder people can't get over their exes. It's so easy, so tempting, to constantly stalk them and see what they're up to. We are obsessed with seeing how they're doing, if they're happy, if so just how happy.

I was no exception to this.

When Isaac and I first broke up, I wanted nothing to do with looking at his Facebook or even announcing we weren't engaged anymore. Everyone already knew. With so much going on, social media was the least of my worries. I started the whole process out by being horribly pissed off.

And then came the mourning.

It seemed I was doing alright with life. I had my mourning period where I purged everything of Isaac from social media—from changing my relationship status to single to deleting all our pictures off Facebook and Instagram.

Then I got pissed again and completely forgot about it.

Surprisingly, it wasn't until months later I started the social media obsessive phase. I was just doing a little too well in life, and so I had to prove it. I took a lot of photos with my family and making posts about how good life was and how important and precious family was. I also looked damn fine in those pictures and that wasn't by accident. I told myself I was letting everyone else know how good I was, but really I wanted them to see. In hindsight, I realize that was a pitiful and futile move because they clearly couldn't give a shit about me.

Anyway, when I finally got up the nerve to stalk both Isaac and Joanna, I found myself blocked. I shook it off at first and pretended it didn't matter—that it was better this way.

But the more I thought about how I couldn't see how and what they were doing, the more I got bothered. Obsessing over them took a huge toll on me. It got to the point where I logged into Sally's Facebook account just to check out their profiles (for some reason they didn't block her and were still Facebook friends with her; and she got on so rarely she didn't even think to unfriend them herself). For the longest time, they didn't post anything. This both angered and appeased me. Okay, so they were, I guess, being respectful and not throwing their love in my face.

Then the relationship status came. Joanna did it first, followed shortly by Isaac. After that came the obligatory name change; the name I should have had. The profile picture changed, too. They looked perfect together to the untrained eye. Her beautiful blonde hair was pulled up with a few curly strands framing her perfect heart face. She was smiling with her face turned, eyes closed, as he kissed her cheek. It was a gorgeous photo for those were blissfully unaware of their deceitful relationship—of the marriage that was supposed to be mine. It looked like it was a small wedding. Her dress was plain and short; he was wearing a simple suit.

When I scrolled viciously through the comments, I was disgusted to learn people were congratulating them and happy for them. One even asked when the wedding was (apparently they weren't invited). Joanna answered all too eagerly.

October 22nd.

They even stole my damn wedding month.

I pretty much spiraled after that. My family was very confused for the longest time why, after months of doing fairly well, I fell back into mourning. Someone must have told them about the wedding because it didn't take them long to come out and ask me. In that time, though, I scrolled, painfully, through every single wedding picture they had; every post they tagged each other in; every post Joanna made in reference to their perfect life together.

It was almost routine. I would wake up, log in, and depress myself. Halfway through the day, I'd log in again, and just for good measure I did it before bed so I was good and shitty just in time for another sleepless night. It was almost like I was punishing myself. I had no self-control.