Speechless

Chapter 6

No, I'm not okay. I don't know what people expect of me. I'm expected to go through my day without talking about my issues. I have nobody to talk about all this stuff too. Apart from that, I don't have the motivation either. My mind is telling me something and I'm hearing other things. It's like I'm fighting what's impossible and I don't know what to do. This is societies problem.

We are expected to abide by the norms and everything. Doesn't mean we can do it.

We are expected to fulfill our duties. What about our mental health?

We are expected to be someone we're not. I see it everywhere. This isn't us. Even as I sit here, I'm not being me. I'm being somebody else and It doesn't make any sense. I think we should just be us. I feel compelled to impress everyone here and I'm sure we all act the same way.

We live in a society where we're taught one thing and then go against it.

We live in a society where we must work like slaves and be expected to be happy, Well, I'm not happy. I hate my job and my life. It's growing on me – These heavy emotions. I don't know how else to feel or what to do.

I miss the old days back in my childhood where we were nice to everyone (almost everyone) but you know what I mean. I miss the old days where labels were not a thing. Now, we're labelled for everything even for just sitting there and doing nothing. If someone dresses or talks differently, we're labelled for that.

The way society functions is abnormal. It's our perception towards everything. I'm sure our kindergarten teachers would be upset at us.

We live in a society where our thoughts do not matter. Even sitting here and trying not to cry, it's not working. I may be holding back tears but I'm not being real with myself. I'm feeling everything at once and it's been going on for months and I'm tired of it. I feel like I must make a change. Something needs to change and It must come within us. I'm not sure how to do it or where to do it but writing about all these issues and dysfunctions is a start.

I want you guys to understand how hurt most of us are, how all these misunderstandings can cause so many issues. How we are compelled to be fake people. How we abide by what society says or does to fit in. What's the point of that anyway? It's getting us nowhere. Again, I miss the old days where I did not care and was able to be me. I wish I was that child again – I was so happy and yes naïve, but at that age it was okay.

Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing at all, like society does not care and maybe I'm right. There are some people that do care. Then, there are people that don't care, that will sit by and let others take advantage. I've met so many of those people and I'm speechless. Then again, I met some nice people too but due to my experiences I don't know how to open up anymore. I don't know how to be me. I don't know how to relate to others or speak about what's happened without being stupid.

I'm afraid of being judged and I don't want to feel that way. But it's because of society, that's why I feel this way. I wish everything was different.

I wish I wasn't so afraid or compelled to fit in. I just want people to like me so I'm brainwashed.

The hardcore of reality is this: I'm insecure and I can't do much. I'm just me. I wish people could understand that. Some may understand and some may brush off what I'm trying to say without caring. That's okay.

I don't want to be this person. I want to change but I don't know how to when work must be a top priority and my mental health must come last. At least, that's how I see it.

I suppose I'll just cry every night because that's all I can do.

All I wanted was a great future and to get the help for myself. And now, I don't know about my future. Mother's Day just passed and nobody texted or called. I tried calling my own mother but she never picked up. Then there's other reasons why I don't really care anymore. Apart from the stupid court date coming up, alright... I'll attend that and then what else? I'll probably have to attend another court date and be asked to miss another day of placement and potentially fail placement. This is what I mean.

I don't have a future.

All I want is someone but I don't have that. What good is it to find support when you have no support? Or what good is it to want support but not have the trust or motivation to do it.

Again, I don't care anymore. Whatever happens, happens.

~

Heartshapedsprinkles