Speechless

Chapter 77

Time to be a fuck up like I always am, every single day of my life. If only people knew how I felt, if only I could share with others for how  I am feeling every day. Like I have an End The Stigma page and I'm getting somewhere with it. It's a hit so far. However, I don't know how to manage a page about mental health when I can't even take care of myself.

I need to learn some self-care coping mechanisms. However, I do not have any coping mechanisms. I have the opposite of whatever coping means. I do not know how to cope nor do I know what to do with my life anymore. Everyone in this class - They're so motivated and ahead of the game.

I'm not.

I'm not feeling it anymore. I feel utterly disconnected from this world.

And I can't tell anyone due to the stigma out there and the assumption which I'm really tired of hearing about.

I'm tired of being classified into this group of social outcast (honestly that's how I feel) and not being able to speak what I want at time. Like I'm not able to follow conversations due to my muttering and extreme nervousness.

Tonight, I need to get out. I need to drink, mix some drinks, and say fuck it to everything. Because I honestly don't care about nothing and nobody anymore. It's like having this huge burden on my shoulders - It's an awful feeling. And I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I feel like everyone hates me and I get a bad vibe as I sit here in class. Whenever I talk, it's like "shut up shut up" but I continue to talk because I want to. But that does a lot worse to my anxiety. I only feel worse.

And all I want to do is drink. I want to drink and drink and drink and pass out - And never wake up again. I don't care who would miss me. No one would miss me at all. I just know it. Nobody messages or talks to me..

I've convinced agencies/organizations that I am okay. They saw me in person and they saw how mentally okay I am. I've been helping others instead of focusing on myself. I've been manipulating the system a lot lately by telling organization that I'm okay when I'm not.

Like at the mental health program, I lied soo much. I want to get help but I'm afraid of the stigma imposed on us individuals. I'm afraid of.. I don't even know. I have so many mixed feelings and it's hard... It's hard to take all this in. And understandably, people have said to take this in one day at a time.. I don't and can't ever do that anymore. I can't just take it one day at a time.

I wake up every morning, get dressed, and I'm able to deceive everyone around me. I'm able to manipulate others so easily. Like it comes easily to me. When they ask if I'm okay, I tell them that "I'm okay" even though I'm not.

I want to be okay but I don't know how to, being fucked over by so many people in the past.

Yes, I still live in the past and I can't break out of any of these awful  habits..

It's like my life is on repeat and I'm getting nowhere. I was so motivated last year. However, not anymore. My motivation these days lacks tremendously. For some reason, I can't seem to enjoy what I used to enjoy before..

I can sit here in class and pretend to be this "okay" person all the time - I'm not. I'm more messed up than anyone thinks I am. As I sit here in my mental health class, I think about all the people that have fucked me over.

Here's a long list:
1. LANDLORDS
2. UBER DRIVERS
3. Jeff Barrett
4. Ivy Mok.
5. My sister.
6. Marisol and her family.
7. Rebecca Rodrigue. She's a bitch, a liar, and she purposely messed my life up with her LIES. And once my peace bond is over with in June of 2018, I am going to the board of Ontario College of Social Service Workers and Social Workers. I will defend my every being and ensure I will never be taken advantage of or walked all over again. It's because of this bitch why I'm so messed and obsessed. It's because of jeff and rebecca that has turned me into an obsessive animal.
8. The support group for depression in Richmond Hill. The facilitators there are gay, mother fucking cunts. They used and pretended to care about me. I will never forgive that..

9. My Mom. It's hard putting her on this list. But every time I try to do something sweet, she gets all pissy pissy like she regrets ever having me as a daughter. And this makes me sad.

Now, I normally approach things with my head up high. That doesn't necessarily mean that I'M OKAY. That implies how desperate I am for love.. How desperate I am for support... How desperate I am to be appreciated and cared for.. How desperate I am to ACTUALLY get help but I can't due to the lack of motivation.

Like I lied plain and simple about not drinking to these professionals. I'm about to go home, walk into the liquor store and drink until I pass out.

Fuck it all. That's my new motto. Because I really don't care anymore.

I want to die and it just may be tonight. Maybe in another world I'll be happier. I likely will.

~