Speechless

Chapter 11

The way I feel is so crazy and messed up. I feel like I'm not okay but I would have been okay if it wasn't for all my shitty experiences and people I've encountered in the past and to this day.

If it wasn't for my ex-landlord, I wouldn't be this person I am today. I wouldn't have attachment issues and find myself involved with the law because I was too stupid to let go of my caseworker. My caseworker made me obsessed and it's because of my old landlord.

He's the reason why I can't sleep at night.

He's the reason why I curse every single day.

He's the reason for my suicidal thoughts.

He's the reason why I almost cut myself yesterday with that knife cutter.

He's the reason for my drinking problems.

He's the reason for my compulsive issues.

He's the reason for my stealing.

He's the reason for my attention seeking behavior.

He's the reason why I cannot trust anyone anymore.

When it comes to other people, I used to blame others.. However, I blame Him. By Him, I blame my ex-landlord and how messed up he made me.

I'm not blaming society but I'm blaming my sick, perverted landlord and that's who I'm blaming.

My life would be hella different if I didn't take it upon myself to live alone.

My life would be easier. I would be living with my parents or maybe it would be harder. Because my Mom and I never got along. I never got along with her boyfriend nor did I want to as he replaced my mother; he stole my mother from me and caused me a lot of pain.

My life seems like it's over but people tell me it's only beginning. Is it really? Or is that a lie?

If only I knew the answers and could strategies a working plan to end all this misery around me. But I must say I honestly can't do that because I am a mess.

I don't have a home.

I can't drink at home or be myself at my place anymore. Why? Because I must keep it clean and now my current landlords know I drink. I never wanted them to find out but they did and they probably hate me just like everyone else in this world.

I wasn't made for this world, sad to say. I want a better life, a stable environment, where I don't have to go for alcohol to cope - Where I'm not burdened by the obstacles that always interfere with my life. I want, no scratch that - I DEMAND a better life because these experiences are getting to be enough. I deserve a lot better and more support.

I just want SOMEBODY that understands.

I just want to be loved.

I just WANT to be understood.

I just care, that's all. And I care far too much that nobody cares about me and I'm tired of it.

I want something more but don't know where to get it.

I need a sign - A sign of mercy, a miracle. Something. I'm tired of my life and I'm tired of all the people in it.

I'm sorry.

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