Speechless

Chapter 67

After tonight, I finally woke up. And I realized something - That drinking does not help with anything. This time, I didn't mess anything up. But watching my friends fiancé stir up disaster at dinner was an absolute mess.

There was yelling for quite some time.  And I was admittedly scared. I saw several people plus myself triggered. But I've been through so much that I don't have much tears anymore. Her other friend, well, she was triggered a lot.

But seeing what alcohol did to her fiancé changed my view towards everything. It reminded me how I would drink every night at my support group. I never knew how obnoxious I was being, and how I always made it about me.

I'm afraid there's no turning back. What's done has been done and I can't convince Neil that. Because he thinks I'll drink again and trigger people. What he doesn't know is this - I don't want to be like my friends fiancé. I don't want to trigger people or make it about me.

I saw what all that tequila did to him. He practically downed the whole bottle. I'm sorry, but that's not me. I'm someone that must focus on work, attend counselling for the sake of my wellbeing, and attend school.

I can't fuck around anymore and fuck up anymore relationships. It's time to take my life more seriously.

Maybe being kicked out of the support group was a good thing anyway. It has taught me that my behavior will never be acceptable. It has taught me that drinking is NOT OKAY. It has taught me to consider others and what they're saying, and not make everything about me.

It's a shame I'm banned from all the other groups. I'll be talking to the CEO once she gets back from her vacation about that.

But whatever.

As of now, you know my focuses.

I'm going to show the world just what I can do.

I'm glad I saw what I saw tonight because if I didn't I wouldn't be able to say this - -

Yes, I am an alcoholic.

I am no longer in denial.

~