Speechless

Chapter 56

If I can have a restart button, that would be great! Because I'm tired of reality being like this. I'm tired of reality telling me I can't do something when I really want to do something. It's not fair to me at all. 

Honestly, living with my mother and her boyfriend was sooo easy. It was the simple life but I wouldn't go back to live with them again. My moods are uncontrollable and I drive my mother and her husband crazy. I don't want to drive anyone crazy. It's better living in isolation. It's better for myself and everyone. Upon being rejected from everyone in society, I've given up on myself. I have given up on all help. The CMHA  had clearly given up on me and Neil's emails prove that. If people really cared about me, they would give me what I want and give me another chance to do better. But it's obvious that nobody cares or has the compassion to care.

Because society has no compassion.

Because society is gutless and cruel. 

Because society wants to ruin us. 

Society wants us to cry. They want us to not be okay, and society is winning. CONGRATULATIONS! 

I don't know where my life is going to take me during this summer but I hope for the best. I want the best for myself, I really do. I want people to stop giving up on me. I want people to acknowledge my learning disability and take the time to help me learn and see where I went wrong. 

I want people to realize that I am scared as fuck. I can't do half the shit I think I can do. When I say, "call the police," I don't actually mean it. When I see a police car in reality, I get goosebumps. I get so scared because of my experiences. 

At my first rental, city hall evacuated the whole house. The city of Vaughan stormed through the house and barged into everyone's rooms with black rubber boots on. They left marks all over the floors. They did not care. They inspected every room and even if we were sleeping, they still came inside the rooms. 

At my second rental, my landlords were so crazy that they called the police on me for not answering her text message within five minutes. This was on Thanksgiving day of last year. When I didn't answer her text, she started to bang on my door at nine in the morning. I don't know what possessed her to do such a thing. However, she's a crazy lady. It was a Saturday and I was so scared that I called my mother, one person I thought I would NEVER call. She picked up and surprisingly saved me from hell. 

At that rental, a police officer actually came to my door. He told me to open it and so I did. He asked if I was okay and I responded "yes." The officer told me to look out my window and so I did. I saw a few police cars outside of it and I was confused. I pretended to not know what was going on. I mean, I heard the banging on my door but purposely ignored it because my mood was sooo low. I was in one of my moods and I just wanted to be alone. I pay my rent and everything and expected to be left alone. In that house, I felt like I literally had no privacy. The officer then asked if I was okay again. I had said, "yes" again and asked why he was here. He said my landlords were concerned for me. The officer looked around my room and he noticed it was a mess. He asked me what I was doing. Immediately, I thought up a lie and was like "I'm being picked up by my Mom since it's Thanksgiving" and I even remember emphasizing Thanksgiving to the officer. He believed me and left it at that. I know he thought my landlords were crazy.

The truth that day: I was not doing well. I felt so suicidal but I couldn't tell the officer that. I felt like death like I wanted to end it all. I get like that okay?

Another incident happened at my workplace with the police but this one's totally my fault. My shift was a closing shift on a Tuesday and I remember I had to be at work for two. I had a new manager at the time. I was a mess earlier before my shift because I had problems at this agency called the Women's Support Network. They had banned me from calling them and their crisis line when all I wanted was help. My caseworker, Rebecca, was affiliated with this agency and the staff did not want any communication between us anymore. I really wanted Rebecca to be my caseworker. However, she kept saying she was going to close my file and I didn't want her too. I really didn't want her too. I was so scared of having another caseworker to open up to. She closed my file because of the constant texting and calling during late hours of the night. On the day I had called the Women's Support Network, I was on the phone with the supervisor. I kept begging for Rebecca to be my worker again and they kept saying no. And then I threatened to kill myself.