Speechless

Chapter 33 - Realization

I can't continue to be like this and I'm realizing I'm hurting a lot of people -- I'm also pushing them away. There's people that want to be there for me. However, I say no because I'm not okay. I don't know if that's a good enough reason but whatever.

I believe in faith.

I believe my doctors and my support group, they know what they're doing and they mean well. They know what they're saying. I've just built a wall and it's hard to bring it down you know. It's hard to open up and I get so angry because of all my experiences compiled together. But I'm realizing there's other people in the group too that come there for help.

It's not about me.

And I have to learn to accept the help no matter what. Because if I want to be a Social Worker, I have to accept some sort of responsibility. I just have to. Maybe people say things, not to hurt us, but so we understand. We can't always be nice all the time.

Some of us learn the hard way; some of us don't. I'm in between. And it takes a lot of reflection and hangovers to realize that yes, I do need help.

Even sitting here with a blazing headache, I'm realizing I'm actually a monster. I'm a monster that craves attention at times and that's hard to admit. I'm someone that just wants to be noticed. That's it.

If I stop attending my support group and everything like I had said to the facilitators that night, that's not good. Like 310 COPE said, I can't avoid my problems. The more I keep shit bottled up, the worse it's going to be. The more I dwell on the negative and drink away my problems, the sicker I'm going to get. Not only that, maybe I'll get in trouble as well. And with a peace bond, I don't need that. Because faith gave me a chance to get better and I shouldn't take that for granted. I need to open up and stop bullshitting.

I need to be real with myself.

Anything can happen.

And I'm not taking anything seriously anymore when I really should be.

I have like two weeks to get my shit together and become an adult once and for all. Like I'm turning twenty three and I act out for no reason. It's crazy and it shouldn't be that way. My birthday has to be awesome and I'm going to make it awesome.

I was always taught that the older generation - - They know a lot more because they've experienced a lot more. They are wiser and I admire that.

I can't avoid my problems forever.

I have to talk things through and form some sort of apology. Because I feel like I'm looked at as a bad person when I'm not. I may come across as bitchy half the time and I'm going to change that.

No more headaches or anything like that. From this week on, my life is going to get better because I control it and nobody else does.

I don't want to feel this way.

And  I'm going to, again, get better and receive the help I need.

I know exactly what I gotta do.

~