Speechless

Chapter 16

I called 310 COPE in my area. There's a lot of stuff I'm finally finding out about myself.

I know I'm not okay. I'm mentally ill and I'm trying to fool everyone; I'm doing a good job but I need to start to use my words more. It's like something inside of me wants to change but another part doesn't and I know it's awfully confusing.

I asked 310 COPE if there's other groups to attend. She told me it would be a waste of time to try another group when I've already built relationships with this one.

The lady on the phone says I'm making the group sessions all about me. I don't want to make it about me so I'm thinking about taking a longggg break and I know it may seem like I'm avoiding my problems but like I find this is the easiest thing for me to do.

Currently, I need space. I need to reflect on my behavior and attitude overall. I'm not doing well. I may be saying that repeatedly. How else do I say it?

Maybe I should stop expecting and start living in reality and get the help I need and deserve. Everyone says I need and deserve the help so why am I not doing it? Instead, I find myself ignoring my problems by just focusing on work and placement. Instead, I should be focusing on my health and wellbeing. Maybe I'm letting that lady on the phone really get to me.

I don't know.

I'll be quite honest with you... Today, I did not eat other than a slice of toast with butter. I'm not hungry. I've been drinking instead, but those rev bottles from the Lcbo. They're not that strong so I was able to manage at placement.

I don't want to eat. I want to starve myself because I'm thinking that's the easiest solution out of this stupid life.

All I feel is death - Around me, every where I go. I want this feeling to end. How??

There's so many problems.

But...

I believe I AM THE PROBLEM.

I am the problem society does not care for.

I am the problem ridiculed and judged.

I am the problem that causes constant problems. That's why my own family does not talk to me.

I am the problem that misuses her power and them other people end up hating her.

I am the problem that ignorantly walks out on my support group.

I am the problem which is why I will just find another support group because I know how annoying and troublesome I am. I'm sure everyone will have a party after...

And this has been my obnoxious vent.

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