Speechless

Chapter 15

Okay, so I had to reread the last chapter I wrote just because I was drunk. By drunk, I was in some other world, not all there. I get like that a lot nowadays due to the court problems and other horrible things that keep happening in my life. All of this is hard for me and people are making my life painfully impossible.

For instance, the people at my workplace. They think I can take a joke but when I have mental health issues, I can't take a joke. I AM SO sensitive and it's affecting my every day life. I try so hard to be like every one else and to fit in, yet I can't even do that. I try so hard to say the right thing and act the right way; however, I can't even do that either. It's like there's a sign posted on my back which says "stay away from HER." 

Due to all my experiences, I've become psychotic almost. My thinking and behavior is so abnormal and I want to fix it but I don't how to. Today at placement, I tried to call the mental health program and asked if I can re-book another appointment (I had missed my last appointment because of work). The lady from the program left me a voicemail and was like "Oh, your file has been closed." The way I felt after, I don't know. 

I guess you can say I felt numb. I felt like the whole world was giving up on me. I felt disconnected from everything. Overall, I'm just extremely exhausted and I don't think anyone quite gets how I feel... I wish they would...

Last night at the support group, my facilitators just gave me an odd, awkward look. I left because of I felt uncomfortable and unwanted there. However, I also left because of that other member in the group who basically blamed me for being sexually assaulted. Quite personally, I don't believe it's my fault at all. I believe my landlord is a sick pervert who preys on younger people, desperately trying to make money to survive. Some people... My mind may have not been in a good place last night but it somewhat is today. 

I'm also so obsessive - Not obsessive compulsive or anything (maybe a small part of that). I'm obsessive over certain people and begin forming these attachments. It'll have to depend on the person and who they are. In the past, I've attached myself to my nursing instructor for placement. After placement was over, I ended up emailing her these strange messages until I had to permanently block her for my own good. Then I had this caseworker whom I became obsessed with as well. She was OKAY, not the best counselor but she meant well until she involved the police that is. The last attachment is my facilitator in my group and I can no longer attend the group anymore because I'm fucking creepy. I deactivated my Facebook and all other social media websites because I keep messaging her or following her on Instagram. I don't want to be like this. The way she looked at me yesterday  was not good. Do you want to know why? I am a creep! I'm psychotic and she probably sees it. I don't know why I have to act this way. There is something obviously wrong with me. 

My plan for now is to work on my placement and when it's over, attend other support groups and try to get into cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm tired of waiting but I suppose if I take the initiative to attend other groups in the meantime, I should be okay. I can no longer become obsessive anymore. It's not right. It's a little bizarre... Not a little but VERY bizarre.  If I were to be in her shoes, I would not come to the support group period and avoid me altogether.

A part from all this obsessiveness, this guy I like is sooo sweet. However, I'm a complete ass to him. I don't want to be but it's more my moods and it's hard to control. He works at my workplace and smiles at me every time I see him. I like it a lot but I find I can never smile. My landlord, caseworker, and everyone else who has done me harm and has stolen all my good emotions. Desperately, I want them back. Understandingly, it's going to take a lot of strength and motivation to get it back...

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