Speechless

Chapter 8

No, I'm not okay and it evidently shows. However, people are blind and they see only what they want to see. How many times have I been asked if I was okay? The answer is zero. This is because nobody cares. We're all consumed with our work and family lives. If it isn't taking care of our families, it's work. For the most part, it's work. I wish I had at least one person come up to me and ask if I'm okay. I would feel a little better knowing that in a way someone has acknowledged my presence.

I lived in the same area for two years and people walk past me like I'm nothing. Sometimes I want to say something, scream my name, but I'm too afraid of judgment. I'm afraid of people giving me that look like "oh that girl isn't okay." And they're right - I'm not okay.

I'm friggin bipolar and it's hard to control myself. I try to control my emotions and the next two hours, my place is trashed because of me. I have severe anger issues if someone upsets me. I can't control it. I'm just messed up. I'm messed up in so many ways that nobody or nothing can help me anymore. I'm afraid it's already too late and I've already given up on myself.

On top of the heavy drinking when I have the time and the minor shoplifting, I can't do much. I am who I am and I blame society for all my problems.

I blame my caseworker for saying she was going to be there no matter what before walking out on me.

 I also blame my caseworker for pretending to care and then betraying me by involving the police for texting her too much WHEN she was the one who allowed me to vent to her phone in the first place. Some people are just screwed in the head.

I blame all those old friends who promised to keep my secrets and then break their promise after wards.

I blame my support group for acting like they care when clearly they don't. I see it. When I tagged my support group with some genuine stories, one facilitator left and she was crying. She had said she experienced physical pain - physical pain probably felt emotionally from my stories.

I blame myself for my problems because I can't help myself. People tell me it's my choice. However, it's not always easy as 1-2-3. Some people shouldn't have choices.

The ignorance in this world is so real and sad that I'm a little disappointed. I don't understand why we have to be this way. When we want help deep down but there's something stopping us from getting the appropriate help, we can't never get what we want. Getting help is not an option for some people as some are mentally unstable to make these choices for themselves.

It sucks. But this is what society is all about.

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