Speechless

Chapter 79

I don't get what I did wrong - Nor do I know why all these shitty things keep happening to me. For a whole month, I THOUGHT my life was getting better. I guessed wrong. My life dramatically falling downhill.

Soon, I'm going to have nowhere to live and that's going to be AFTER October. I hate my life and all I can is cry - Even at work - And everyone looks at me like I'm some fucked up person. But I am fucked up. I don't belong here; I don't belong anymore. I'm just that disposable person everyone hates me for.

I belong nowhere.

I'm disposable. People look at me like I'm garbage. They could care less. Nobody messages or if THEY DO message me, it's when they WANT something (such as to help with an assignment). What about me? What about asking how I'M feeling? Stop caring about yourself and only yourself, and starting caring about others, and how they potentially may be feeling.

Honestly, I feel dead, like I'm in one of those horrible dreams - Those dreams that seem to last forever.

It's like I've been abandoned by everyone and everything I've ever known and ever loved. I feel stranded. Like what is the lesson? There is no sign for me.. I feel like I can't do this anymore. I can be laying on a broken boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and pretending everything's okay when it's not. No, when I'm laying on this broken part, I'm hoping the boat breaks and then I drown. And once I drown, I'll be happy because this life is too hard to deal with. It's too much for me. It's too painful to take in every day.

I gotta deal with people that do not appreciate me.

I gotta pretend like I care when most of the time, I DON'T CARE.

I'm expected to answer someone's messages RIGHT AWAY when I don't want to. I rather drink and drink and drink while overdosing on my anxiety meds until my liver eventually gives up on me - - Honestly, I'm just waiting until that happens. Because once it gives up on me, oh well. I'll be stuck in the hospital and then I'll die... That's EXACTLY what I want.

So for now, let's see how much wine I can drink tonight plus Whiskey and tequila. I'm fucking done with everyone's bullshit. Like I literally cannot take it anymore. I must have cried about ten times today - - AT WORK. And that's fucking embarrassing.

It's sad when I thought I had a mother - - But I don't. If my Mom truly loved me, she would have kept her promise. She promised to pay $250 of my rent UNTIL I finish school WITH  a diploma. But now, I'm screwed because my Mom has YET AGAIN broken her promise. She has opted out of helping me altogether and now - - I'm fucked.

She has honestly fucked me over.

I must come up with $700 a month which I DON'T HAVE.

It's ridicolous. And she tells me to use my savings account when I only have |$5 in my savings. I don't think my mother gets how fucking broke she is.

To me, I do not classify her as a mother anymore just because of the way she acts. Like I wrote her a sweet note the other day and I heard she ripped it off and texted me to never write a note like that again.

I had written this:

"I love you and I look up to you as a guardian angel. You are there when you aren't there. Thank you very much."

It seems that EVERYTHING I do isn't necessary anymore. She doesn't act like a mother honestly. ANY mother would be happy to read a sweet, surprising letter like that. But my own mother wasn't.

And that's messed up.

I don't understand.

SHE MESSED MY DAY UP TODAY AT WORK.

FUCK HER.

I don't need her. I've lived on my own since twenty and it's been three and a half years. I can continue to live on my own. If I have to reside at a shelter for the time being, maybe I'll do just that.

There's no way I have $700 a month for the rent. Fuck that shit.

And for some reason, I knew my mother was going to break her promise because she has on soo many occassions. It's just I'm TOO forgiving.

But don't worry - - She has lost me. She has lost the one daughter that actually cares about her. She has lost the opportunity to get to know me because I am going to be the change society has been waiting for for years. And whether she's there or not, I'll still advocate for others that NEED it because I KEEP my promises. I don't go back on my promises.

I'm genuine. I MEAN what I say and I never take anything back.

I don't take advantage of no one. I try to understand the problem and provide the best support possible as that's all I can do at times. And I will continue to advocate for others one way or others.

Fuck all the haters and fuck my own mother.

If she doesn't want to help me, I don't need her.

I have so much strength and the ability to do it ON MY OWN.

This may be a tough journey at the moment. However, I know I can do it because I keep my promises and I help so many out there.

I am a good person.

My mother isn't; she is just like her own mother, otherwise known as the WITCH of the family. I'm not surprised (after all, they are related).

I feel sorry and wish the best for my mother.

But I must focus on myself and just myself and even if that requires me losing all connections with HER, I DON'T CARE.

Self-care.

I come first.

Fuck everyone else.

~