Treetops

9.

Triggers: suicide attempt

The next morning, Connor had something to look forward to - the cute boy that had been patiently waiting at his locker for the past two days. Would Evan even be there? He already had given him his notebook back; there was no reason for Evan to return. Would Evan admit to the things they did yesterday? Was Evan gay? Heck, was he even gay? He couldn't deny that he enjoyed the previous day; he was hard all night. And he had never felt that way towards anyone before.

Connor was getting more and more anxious with each second that passed by. When he finally arrived at the school's glass double doors, he was practically running. He sprinted to his locker and was extremely disappointed to find no one there. Don't be sad, he told himself. It didn't mean anything. He probably was high or something. Connor put his backpack in his locker and headed slowly to the bathroom where he and Evan shared their first kiss. He looked at himself in the mirror and pulled a razor blade from his pocket.

"I don't deserve you, Evan" he whispered shakily as he started to engrave the letters E-V-A-N into his skin. The blade stung, but it was a comforting feeling that helped Connor clear his head. He was halfway through the V when the door opened. Fuck. Connor shoved the bloody blade into his trench coat and turned to find Evan standing the door gaping like a fish in a small aquarium.

"Evan..." Connor whispered.

***

"I'm sorry... I-" Connor hugged his knees and buried his head, sobbing. Evan rushed over and wrapped his limp arms around a shaking Connor.

"It's okay Connor..."

"NO IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT OKAY! I'M A MONSTER EVAN CAN'T YOU SEE? LOOK AT ME! I SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO LIVE!" Connor yelled while punching his wrists.

"No Connor don't leave me. I-I need you when I'm with you, I'm happy. I feel in control of myself, in control of the world. I-I love you, Connor." Evan slowly pushed up the sleeves of Connor's dirty trench coat and was surprised to find scars lining up Connor's arms. Evan gasped and Connor looked down, ashamed of what he had done. Evan took Connor's arm to his mouth, pressing his lips on every one of the scars. His kisses were like butterflies dancing on Connor's skin. Evan was gentle and a warm feeling washed over Connor as Evan continued to kiss the scars, not stopping for anything in the world. Connor let out a sob and Evan's head shot up.

"I'm sorry Evan..." Evan patted Connor's shoulder and wiped away his tears with the pads of his thumb.

"Shhh... Connor, it's okay. I still love you."

"Evan," Connor asked "How did you even find me? The school is so big and your locker is far away. So how did you know?"

"There's a tree I go to when times get hard," Evan answered. "Today I was going to ask you if you wanted to be my boyfriend, but when I saw you walk into school I froze and freaked out. S-so I went to the tree and climbed up to this nook I discovered a while ago. It just so happened that the nook looked into the boy's bathroom. My eyes widened when you took out the... pointy thing."

"Blade."

"Blade. I tried to hit on the window but you didn't notice. I-I thought you were gonna die Connor! I thought I was gonna lose you forever. I don't wanna lose you!" Evan was sobbing loudly as the two sat listened to each other cry. "I don't wanna go to school today Connor."

"Neither do I Vango, neither do I."