Being LGBTQ+ #Wattys2017

Jane's Story

So, I grew up in a pretty tight-knit community, the kind where everyone knows everyone and church picnics are a weekly occurrence. My parents sent me to a private, Christian institution for my elementary years, but I was bullied pretty badly, so I ended up being pulled out and homeschooled. That was a very bad move. The homeschool community [in my town] is very religious, and I'm totally cool with religion, but these people are the kind that absolutely, positively, hate the LGBTQ+ community, and I'm not using the word 'hate' lightly here. My mom sent me to a co-op where you could take classes taught by other homeschool parents, and I can't say I was a model student there. At this point, I was mid-way through middle school, and I had just started to question I was straight. In my females only 'Christian Morality' class (I'm not joking here, that was a required class for girls), they made us sign a paper vowing to 1.) Not use contraception pills2.) Never have an abortion.3.) Practice abstinence until marriage4.) Protect the sanctity of marriage. I didn't really want to sign, but I did anyways. I guess I kinda broke some of those rules, haha. They put a lot of pressure on us, and even had a guest speaker who came in and talked about how wrong being 'gay' was and how if we met someone who was gay, we should try to help them so they didn't go to hell. They didn't teach us there were other kinds of sexualities, either. It was just 'gay' and 'not gay'.At that point, I was terrified. I am bisexual, and I had just started to feel that I was different from my straight friends. They regularly made fun of 'gay' people - they slut-shamed one of the other girls because she was kidnapped (I'm not joking here, she was kidnapped by a creep online, and they called her a 'whore' because she was 'asking for it'.) We never saw that girl at the co-op again.I didn't want to be the subject of these girl's bullying, so I kept quiet. I really regret not speaking up now. I was just so afraid they'd figure out my secret: I had a crush on a girl. I was getting really sick because I was so scared. I stopped eating and I became afraid to leave the house. My father thought I was faking it, and my mom would get so mad because I'd refuse to go to church or co-op. After about a year of this, they finally agreed that I needed counseling. The first counselor was this uber-religious woman who told me homosexuals go to hell. I stopped going to her. My second counselor was a life-savor. He was so nice when we first met, and I was able to tell him what was going after about the first five sessions were going on. He helped me convince my parents to let me go to public school - that was the first step in repairing my health and he convinced me I was not going to burn for eternity because of my sexuality. I was so shocked. I know this sounds funny, but I had never met a 'non-christian' before. We were taught that there were only 'non-Christians' and 'Christians in this world, also known as 'evil people' and 'not-evil' people. I expected him to be really awful because he wasn't a Christian - he was the first person I had ever met who didn't share my parent's faith. So I enrolled in a public high school in the fall, where I met a really nice girl (I call her Lilly) named Lilly. Lilly was openly a lesbian, and we rode the same bus together. I was so so so shy because of the bullying, but she reached out to me and helped me join the club in our school for the LGBTQ+ community. Everything was going great, until my parents read my text messages to her about the next club meeting after school one Friday, and they were furious. They woke me up at 2:00 am and were like "Who have you been hanging out with? Who the hell made you a lesbian? You betrayed us."I tried to explain to them about how I was really accepted and felt loved for the first time ever, and that I was bisexual, and I hoped they understood.My mom started crying. She called me immoral and disgusting. She threatened to disown me. She told me I 'wasn't the child she raised'. My dad just stayed quiet the whole time, glaring at me. They dragged me into the councilors office but left me in the lobby. I could hear my mom screaming through the wall. It was pretty awful. She wouldn't talk to me for days after, and when she finally did, she'd break down into tears and tell me every second how wrong I was, and asked me 'where she went wrong?'My dad told me in private that he didn't care, but he didn't want me labeling myself. That people 'like me' weren't considered normal and society would judge me. He told me they were trying to protect me. My mom called the pastor of her church. I refused to talk with him on the phone. She forced me to come with her every Sunday. I'd sit outside on the benches. Then, she told everyone. My old friends who I had kept in touch with refused to talk to me. My one friend's mom found out while I was at her house, and she made me go home. My best friend, who I'll call Carly, invited me to her house, and I was so happy that I had someone still talking to me that I went over. Her family sat me down for dinner and pulled out the Bible. They read to me about homosexuality being wrong, and then they read all the passages about hell to me. I called my brother to come pick me up.So there I was, I only had one friend in the world, and that was Lilly, and my parents refused to let me see her. Finally, I had enough. Come Christmas time, my parents had stopped talking about it. They pretended it never happened. But my Grandma had heard. She flew all the way up from Florida to have Christmas dinner with me and she cornered me.I couldn't take it anymore. So two days after Christmas, I tried to commit suicide.I'll just say I wasn't successful and leave it at that, but it was a long Christmas, that's for sure. I had to go to the hospital and I was a complete wreck, and I was really underweight. My parents felt really bad, of course. I think coming that close to losing someone does that to you. My mom still wouldn't accept it, but she let me see my psychiatrist and Lilly again, and my dad said he was fine with me, however the way I was. I was still really depressed and I had to go to meetings and what not. But gradually, things got better. I gained weight and rejoined my club. Lilly was there for me every step of the way. A year later, my mom became a licensed social worker, and that's when she told me she realized she had been wrong and apologized. Not some small apology either. I now have a mini-pony x3She helps out kids with problems like I went through and that's pretty cool. I lost a few of my friends to suicide in the past year as well, and that's really opened my eyes about grief and how stupid I was for trying to end my life. Really, don't do it, it affects everyone. Lilly graduated last year but we keep in touch. She's going to be a professional musician. I don't know what I want to be yet - probably someone who helps people who went through similar experiences. I don't share my story very often, but I figured if it will help raise awareness, I'm totally willing to pour out every detail.We still have ups and downs. Someone tried to shut down our LGBTQ+ club, but we have the law behind us (Mwhahahaa). Sometimes I get called names, my extended family still thinks I'm going to hell (and they're pretty vocal about it), but my mom has become my biggest defender. I'm cool with myself and I know that what matters is what I think about me, and not some god, or estranged aunt or catty high school girl.