Emerald Writes Shit

Me being sad.

WARNING: Sorry, but I'm really sensitive. Please, I know I'll regret posting this anyways and maybe I'll delete this if I feel like it. But, I just want to share that there are people like me. I want to show that I'm vulnerable and broken.

Fun fact about me: I get sad and depressed A LOT. I don't necessarily think it's the medical condition but... I don't know why I get so sad every day and every night of my life. I always wish that I could just smile like the people around me, and no matter what the challenge or adversity, I'll always pull through just like them.

But no, I don't. Why, oh why? Well, because I'm not as strong as them.

Lately, I've been trying so hard to sleep. Half of this summer vacation was me staying up all night then going to sleep, only to wake up at quarter to noon or later. The only exception is on Saturdays, where I have to wake up early for church.

Before you guys scold me for not getting enough sleep, I've been doing this for the past five years. Particularly last school year, where I always do my school work through the night until the sun rises. My parents are even against this, and always scold me for not doing them on the evenings. But honestly, I start doing them in the evening! But I don't know why it's so hard to do them when you see other people awake besides you.

I'm actually more comfortable working alone, but that also scares me. One is, what if I need help? Who do I call besides myself? I grew up, being told: when you get sick, only your parents will come to you because no one will love you like we do if you don't act like your age and change your attitude! Well, because of hearing those things, I decided to not become a burden to anyone I love.

That's why, when I have a school project, I don't tell them unless I really need a few money to add to my savings. When I have the flu or a migraine, I don't tell them so they won't have to worry and I just suck it up until it goes away. When there are numerous people bullying me or hurting me, I don't tell them because I don't want them to learn how pathetic their child is.

Second reason why I'm scared of being independent is, how about when I want someone to love me but my subconscious makes me shut people out? Will anyone want to love me, someone who is so broken and wasted and costs less than nothing? One of my philosophy in life is, we are born not just for ourselves. I implement that by learning to love others unconditionally, no matter who you are as long as you place some value to me. But, most of the time I know people take advantage of me and my inability to say no to stuff I don't like. I just want to help, but am I worth helping myself first though?

With that I wonder if I'm still worth loving. If my crappy physique, sappy mentality, and bad social skills can still able to care for other people, why do these people still hate me? I always get told off by my friends that maybe I should just step back, then learn to love myself before putting yourself for others. But, now that I mention it, what's there to love about me?

Here I am, a teenager nearing the college/university period of their life, with no sense of direction for the future whatsoever. They say they're talented but anyone can sing. Anyone can like books. Anyone can dance. Anyone can speak. Anyone can act. Anyone can like anime. Anyone can do well in school. Anyone can write. Anyone can... There was nothing special about them. They were just that person who lives life trying to find acceptance and happiness, searching for people who understands them by caring for others more than themselves and being a friend when needed.

Don't even talk to me about religion. I get depressed by that too.

Being independent... Okay, I lied. It's being alone I'm scared of. Number three reason is, what ir everything they said was true? That I can't forever live alone? That I'll always depend on others? But, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want other people sacrificing for me, I already do that for a lot of people. I sacrifice my pride, I sacrifice my dignity, I sacrifice my opinions and beliefs just so people can accept me, but nothing works.