I Am Ruined (TDA Lord of Shadows Sequel)

[ VI ] You are Not Alone

Emma was holding Julian's face, kissing him back with fervor. Kit was frozen in place, tugging at the strings of the gray hoodie he had borrowed from Ty, could he jump off the roof from here? He didn't have access to any other windows from the small area he was standing on. Stupid Shadowhunters and their aesthetically-pleasing house design. Now he wished he had spent more time practicing jumps with Jace. Part of him just wanted to close his eyes and lie down until they were done with whatever they were doing. Suddenly he scrambled back, no longer wanting to be there. It felt strange, intruding on such an intimate moment. He was so flustered that when he went to back away his foot slipped on the ledge and he exclaimed, grabbing hold of the window. Great, Kit. Another fantastic example of your superior sleuthing skills. Emma jumped back away from Julian with a yelp, her face the shade of a rose petal.

"STOP. Oh please, for the love of god stop." Kit was grasping the windowsill, his eyes shut tight.

"Wha- Kit?!" Julian was standing up now, his expression a mix of anger and surprise. Kit had never seen him so thrown. Julian was an expert at spinning lies, but when caught in the act it seemed there was nothing he could say.

The two of them were standing apart now, looking at Kit expectantly. They expected him to say something, but what could he possibly say? Oh I see you two have been engaged in illegal activity, which I was watching. He was frozen, his knuckles white from gripping the windowsill so tightly. "I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to see that."

"What were you intent on seeing by staring through my bedroom window?" Emma's expression was hard to read, he couldn't tell if she was angry or just confused and embarrassed.

"NO, not that. I-" He sputtered, he could feel the blush creeping up as he swung himself back into the room, "Ty and I overheard you talking about keeping something secret from us. We just thought it was something about the Faerie Courts. We certainly did not expect this to be the secret you were keeping." His voice was softer now as he looked at Julian whose expression was already back to its typical stoic demeanor, "He just wants you to be honest with him. He thought you were going to leave him again."

At this, he could see Julian's perfectly crafted countenance falter, "I wouldn't."

"Then tell him that." It was silent for a moment before Kit had to ask, "Do they know?"

"Mark and Cristina do." Emma answered, sitting down on the edge of the bed as she ran her fingers through her golden hair. Kit had always thought Emma was beautiful, her hair was almost the same shade as his but there was something fierce about her that intrigued him. The way you might find a weapon beautiful.

"And Magnus," Julian added, "And Robert Lightwood did know somewhat before he died. And now you."

"Wow, anyone else?" The sarcastic comment came out of him as if it were a cough but seeing the lack of humor in the two older Shadowhunters' faces, he regressed, "Not that anyone is counting... I can't say I'm that surprised, honestly. You are Emma and Julian. My dad even regarded you as a package deal, and since I've gotten to know you I've noticed – no one ever thinks of one of you without the other. But I never knew enough about parabatai to know if it was normal."

Julian walked towards him now, his voice firm like an adult but almost pleading, "Christopher, please you cannot say anything. To anyone, not even Ty."

Kit's blue eyes sparked, "You want me to keep this from Ty? Your family?" He felt almost guilty as he looked in the brown haired boy's eyes. This was the boy who had done anything and everything for his family and here was a 15 year old condemning him for keeping a secret from them.

Regardless of the pain in his eyes or any resentment he held for Kit for this, "Please," was all he said in response.

Kit moved silently towards the hall, turning around in the doorway before he left. "I won't say anything. But consider telling them, they are your family. Both of your families, they just want you to be honest with them. Take it from me, it's always easier to go through problems with people who care about you." His gold hair brushed against his eyelashes as he looked up at them, "I never had that before I came here, don't take it for granted."

***

The room was just as it had been before that day. The light pink sheets were pristinely made, but the pillows were strewn about the floor, her laptop charging by the wall. He almost immediately regretted coming in here again, just as he had every night since that miserable day – there were so many memories. This was almost as much his room as it was hers. Ty slowly bent down to pick up one of Livvy's pillows from the floor. An unceasing flow of emotions was drowning him as he clutched the blue cushion to his chest tightly. Music was playing through the headphones around his neck and he drew them up over his ears. Only this time, it wasn't helping. The emotions and sensations were coming at him from all sides, he felt like he did that day in the Council Hall – after everything was muted, it all came rushing back in a torrent that he couldn't handle. But there was no sleep rune to take him away from the pain this time, instead it came out in tears. Sobs were wracking his body as he laid down on her bed, letting the tears wash away the pain. He had no idea how long he had been there in Livvy's room; it could have been minutes or hours, but eventually the lull of sleep was taking him. Not in the forceful way a rune steals your wakefulness, but more in the calming acceptance of unconsciousness.

When his gray eyes opened slowly, he noticed the sun had set at some point – the light no longer streaming through the curtains. Only this time, he realized wasn't lying in her bed alone. He felt a familiar body next to him and knew who it was even before he looked – his big brother. Whenever Ty had nightmares when he was younger, Julian would stay with him. And now that the nightmare had crossed over into real life, his brother was there for him still. Rolling over, Ty could see Julian's dark brown hair falling in waves over his brow as he slept peacefully next to him. The anguish that was gripping his heart in a vice before had eased slightly as he put his hand in Julian's. The older boy stirred and moved to pull Ty into a comforting hug in his arms. Livia and Julian were the only people he liked to touch him, the pain ebbing away slowly with the comforting pressure.

"I will not leave you, Ty. I promise you." Julian whispered, pressing a light kiss to the top of his younger brother's head.

"What are you keeping from me?" Ty's eyes were closed and his voice muffled with exhaustion. Julian's heart stopped. Maybe Kit was right, maybe he should tell him. This was Ty, his Ty. He remembered what he had said about him in his letter to Annabel:

And there is Jules.

He is the one who takes care of us all. He is the reason we're all okay and still together.

People say we're unlucky because we don't have parents. But I think they're unlucky because they don't have a brother like mine.

His family was the most important thing to him, and Kit was right – he had to be honest with them. He took a deep breath, "Ty, there is something I need to tell you." But when he looked at Ty, his features were already softened by sleep. A part of him felt relief, another part a burden. He had to tell him sooner rather than later. He just hoped that all the faith his little brother had in him wouldn't falter. Ty was worried that Julian would leave him again, but he didn't realize that Julian's biggest fear was that he would lose him.