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11. Family First- Rayna

Sunrise July 1st, 1979
Sunset August 24,2014
Rashad Vacherie

Losing a parent feels like a halt to your heart. A gentle throbbing within your head. Tears that won't fall a tight throat lumped with the backed up tears. Weakness in your stomach, that feeling in your mouth when you know you're about to throw up. A lot of shoulder pats and hugs. People lock themselves in your house for weeks then disappear. At first you want to be alone but when everyone is gone and the person that lives there won't come back you wish that all those cousins and annoying great aunts would come back.

To fill the void.

My pops was ejected from a vehicle after dropping me off at the movies with Lena. He was hit by three cars, the rain was coming down hard.

Lena and I couldn't miss Paranormal Activity number whatever come out and even though my dad was against it my crying and begging eventually work.

He never picked us up from the movies. Aunt J ,Lena's momma, picked us up and her hands were shaking and Lena had to drive back even though she didn't even have her permit yet. She kept gripping my hand through the backseat.

I always thought Aunt J was a little off her head but I went with it.

My mom was curled over on the couch with my Nanna. Inaudible sobs pouring out of her. 

Daddy died.

Two words.

Daddy died.

My ears started ringing.

How am I supposed to feel?

I felt like I was just going through the motions. Lena kept me company but there were times where I just wanted to cry alone. Stare out a window. Run by myself.

I get it now though. Without thinking about your loves can be taken easily. I could run away and not come back and who needs to lose someone? Who wants to lose someone?

I sit up straight in my bed and stretch. It's been two years already. I always knew how to block my dad out of my head except on the day.

I go through the motions and I hate that I get this way. I can't even pretend to feel good on this day.

My momma attempts to hold it together but her idea of holding it together is us watching Shottas, his all time favorite movie and eating oxtail his favorite food.

I think we both sit there and pretend he's on the chair. Mouthing the movie putting the meat and rice in his mouth quickly so he won't miss a part.

Aunt J's husband used to tell them they would've left me in the field before independence. What he meant was that my ass is so dark that I would've been a "obeah" just another word for slave.

Well when I got home I asked my dad what in meant. He didn't respond to me at all he beat Aunt J's husband up so bad that the divorce came a few weeks later.

He looked me dead in my eyes and said, "Rami, they saw somethin then in your complexion. They feared it but they loved it so much they grew to hate it. Because they hate themselves. If they make you hate what makes you special then you fear the only human being you've ever walked in. That human is you, you have never been in another humans shoe but your own. Grow to love your own skin, it's the only one you have."

Clearly I don't fuckin listen because I have a giant white patched etched in my arm. I put some foundation over the white spot and set it with powder before putting on my jeans.

"Momma, I yell jogging down the stairs." She's already waiting with her keys by the table. Her eyes are dark underneath and her eyes look dull.

"Ready." She says quietly and I nod.

When I get to school Lena'd waiting by my locker alone and her eyes are wide.

Without saying a word I give my cousin a big hug and she returns it.

"I miss you sister." She pulls back from me.

And wipes a tear from her eye.

"I know it's your pops but I never had a dad man he was there for me too and it hurts me still." Lena wiped a tear from her eyes.

" I stayed up all night girl, that's some fake shit I pulled. I told Keegan and Joe even Dev that family comes before all that shit. So if they not cool with you. They don't fuck with me either man. It should've been that way from the jump." She says solemnly.

"It's cool girl." I grab my binders from out my locker.

"How's ChooChoo?" That's her name for my mind.

I honestly have no clue where it came from and I never wanted to ask.

"Sad we'll probably stop by the grave today and leave some flowers. Then go home and get loaded up on Z quick before the time hits." I shrug it off it's only the second year doing this but I know the routine.

Don't be awake when the phone call first happened. I don't even like to be awake around the time we got dropped off. We watch the movie and go to bed.

"You want us to come over?"

"Nah, we have to get used to doing this on our own." I know it would make us forget but we can't keep blocking our daddy's death as a blur with people in our face.

Us dealing with it sleep.

Lena stops outside of my class.

"I know you hate thinking about him but Lena he was our families rock. Nanna saw him as her son. He watched out for me and all of my mommas terrible ass creepy husbands. I just want you to know that I can't feel what your feeling but I feel something close and you aren't alone." She gives me one big hug before turning around.

But where was she two weeks ago when I really needed a friend. Why do people come when mad day really does approach? Family first right?