The City | GirlxGirl

thirty seven ➳

Jude didn't open Thom's diary until seven days after the funeral, which meant seven days after she and Skylar had stopped talking to each other. This was, of course, all Jude's doing, but right now, she just couldn't find the energy to return any of Skylar's calls.

She knew she was wrong for yelling at Skylar, and for not letting her anger go. But she was embarrassed. Embarrassed that she had brought her girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's funeral, and embarrassed at how Thom's mother had reacted. If Skylar had never let it slip that they were together, Jude could have left the funeral knowing she'd never have to see his family again, but at least leave with some dignity. Up until then, they had thought Jude was a good person. They had thought she was the one that made Thom happy, but they had been wrong. Because Jude hadn't been that person, and Thom was never happy. She learned that on the Thursday following the funeral, at 8PM, when she decided to open his journal.

She remembered the first entry. It was the day she left Thom. She remembered the wrinkled page and the messy writing in blue ink, and the anger behind the words. This anger had been normalized throughout their relationship. Maybe if it hadn't been, she would have reached out to Thom, and stopped his suicide before it could have happened. Maybe if she had read the entire journal that day, things would be completely different.

But they weren't. He was dead, and she was in an apartment of her own, with a cold cup of tea beside her, and his journal on her lap.

She opened it, and read.

I don't think this is a very good idea. I've never really liked writing - never been that great at it, I don't think. (Not very good at anything...) The school counsellor told me to do it. He is a nice man, but he makes me nervous. I don't like telling people things about me - especially these things. He told me to write about them. He bought me the journal. If only he hadn't seen me after basketball practice. Then he wouldn't know. But he told me it doesn't matter because he isn't allowed to tell anyone about it anyway. That's what he said. I don't know if it's true. I'm not supposed to write about that, though. I'm supposed to write about my dad, and what he does to me. The school counsellor, Greg-he told me to call him that. He probably thinks I'll trust him more if I call him by his first name. Greg saw me after basketball practice. I always wait until all the boys have left the change room to take my shirt off. But Greg thought that the room was empty, and he walked in, and he saw the bruises that my dad gave me, and he said he couldn't just ignore it, even though I was crying. I've never cried in front of someone before then.

Jude swallowed roughly. That was exactly how Skylar had found out about Thom's abuse.

He told me he can help me, but I don't think he can. Anyways, I'm not supposed to write about him. I'm suppose to write about my dad.

I thought it was normal for dads to be kind of rough with their sons. But the guys on the team never have bruises, and their dads are really nice to them when they come to the games. But so is my dad, as long as other people are around. At home, though, he always talks about work. He usually gets very angry very quickly. And then he tells me to come with him, and always brings me to his bedroom. I hate that room, and I never go in it unless I'm with him. He usually just hits me with his fists on my chest and stomach, so that I can hide it. Sometimes, he gets really angry, and he'll start hitting my throat and my arms. It's like he loses control. When he does that, I have to wear huge sweaters. There's a lot more to it, but I don't feel like writing it all down. I don't see how it helps.

Jude wished the diaries were dated. But she knew that Thom played basketball in ninth grade, and stopped after that season. That must have been when the first entry came. She skimmed through the other pages, and was shocked, and a little disappointed, to find that only five pages following the first were filled. Thom had only written six entries in this journal.