A Letter to My Ex (KathNiel)

Last Chapter

Dear Ex,

Ang sarap palang uminom. Parang feeling ko nawala lahat ng sakit na kinikimkim ko nung umiinom ako. I felt like I was anew. I felt that I am strong again. I felt that I was as ecstatic as before. Pero lahat ng yun panandalian lang pala. Yung sakit ng ulo na naramdaman ko kinaumagahan, nawala lang din naman. Yung tama ng alak sa aking sistema, humupa rin naman pero yung sakit dito sa puso ko, hindi nawawala. Nananahan na nga ata dito yung pighating dulot ng pag iwan mo sa akin. If only this heart could drink its own beer, I would gladly give it an endless supply of alcohol para mamanhid 'tong puso ko at mawala lahat ng kirot dito.

If only this mind could also have its own life and could drink that shitty alcohol too, I would drown it with a lot of hard drinks, only to forget that day when I learned how to be miserable.

Alam mo ba, nawala rin phone ko nung gabing yun. Lahat ng pinakatatago tago kong messages galing sayo, lahat ng pictures na nandoon, nawala in an instant. Funny how life could play its wonders. Hirap na hirap akong idelete ang lahat ng 'yon. Every time I'd try to delete them, I always end up unmarking them and pressing the exit button. Ang hirap itapon ang mga bagay-bagay na magkasama nating binuo. All those thing marked in my memory. Siguro, nakikiayon na rin ang pagkakataon sa akin, ang universe na mismo ang gumagawa ng paraan para ipamukha sa akin na wala na tayong pa-asa. Maybe fate's telling me to move on already. For real.

May mga bagay na ayaw na ayaw mong bitawan ngunit tadhana na mismo ang nagsasabi, ang nagdidikta na kailangan mo ng bumitiw. Kailangan mo ng hayaang lumipas ang mga nakaraan. Kailangan mong buksan ang iyong puso't isipan at lawakan ang 'yong pang unawa. Kaya naman, allow me to pour my heart out in this poem that I wrote yesternight when I gained back my senses after I passed out in the bar.

Reminiscence

I remember those times when you told me that you can't live without me

You said your life depended on me, and losing me is an unimaginable thing you see,

I remember those times when you look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world

How you speak those beautiful words, the way it has been told.

I remember those beautiful nights, beautiful sunsets that we've seen

The magic of those moments still in my heart remain,

Sleepless nights we've spent just to hear each other's voices when we're apart

We didn't let any moment ruin the sparks of love indefinable by art.

I love yous and I miss yous, words that are very familiar to my ears

It made my heart thump a thousand times faster than it could bear,

Those stolen kisses even the heart could feel its warmth 

The magic of every moment every time that you're around.

I remember it clearly that day you chose to break my heart

The memories that we had were suddenly marred,

The questions they left unasked, the questions were unspoken

Just like those beautiful nightmares that will never be forgotten.

The love, once beautiful has finally lost its magic

Life became dull and inexplainably frantic,

My heart is now shattered into million fragments

Indulged with immeasurable pain and broken sentiments.

Mahirap. Walang pagmomove on na madali. I know this mixture of emotions are all part of it. Akala ko when I decided to start my year with the mindset that I can move forward, I thought that was the start, pero hindi pala 'yon. I made a fool of myself that I am strong when deep inside I am so fragile, I am so weak. Nagtapang-tapangan ako. Looking back at those days, I realized that I am thankful that I experienced those highs and lows because those things gave me a lot more lessons about life.

DJ, I'm still waiting for your explanation. I'll be open for your explanation and I am willing to listen for your story. You knew how much I loved you, I've loved you unconditionally. But DJ, I think I have to lower down the level of the love that I have for you right now. My heart may be filled with many untold sentiments right now but it is still oozing with love. Tama siguro sila, once you loved a person, you'll love them for life. Gaya ng pagmamahal ko sa'yo, I may not love you romantically in the future but know that I'll still love you as my friend.

Soon enough, I'll learn how.

People always have the option to be happy. Loving does not guarantee that you'll always be happy, that I'll always be happy. Loving is being hurt. To love is to be hurt. Gaya ngayon, nasasaktan ako dahil nagmahal ako. Funny how I realized these things, I even have to spend a night at a bar, got to taste the bitterness of the alcohol, and had to be insane for the time being. But all those experiences, strange as it may seem gave me too many lessons.

Maybe he is not my happy ending, maybe you are not my happy ending-- I don't know. My mind is clouded with too many doubts, just like the future that is equipped with too many uncertainties. Ikaw man o hindi ang aking happy ending, alam kong magkakaroon ako ng pinapangarap kong happy ending.

For now, I have to focus on other things, I'll have to keep myself with the new set of priorities. Love? If it comes knocking on my door, I would still be willing to accept it, with arms wide open. :)

🙂