Then You Are Gone

s e v e n t e e n

DECEMBER 21, 2016

08: 28 PM

i visited you today. some students from school did, too, and krystal and paris were there.

i haven't talked to them for who knows how long, especially krystal. she hasn't talked to me ever since our break-up. she haven't talked to me since i asked her help to get you back. she took it the wrong way, though. i didn't want you to be my girlfriend or anything like that. i want to get you back in a sense that i want you to forgive me. maybe, be like what we were when we were younger. i understand where kystal is coming from, though. she's been jealous of you since day one because i wouldn't shut up talking about you.

i'm sorry, the fallout of your friendship with her caused you trouble. i didn't mean to ruin anything.

8: 34 PM

paris? he's been ignoring me ever since our fight. i get it, though. if i were him, i'd be mad at myself too.

i hope i didn't tarnish paris' image in your head. he is a good guy. he's the brother i never had. we get along with almost everything. we share mutual hatred towards football because like me, he wanted to pursue other things. he'd rather be a photographer, but he's stuck because he's afraid coach ryan (his dad) won't like his decision. we get along with almost everything. the only thing we don't get along at is you.

aside from krystal, he's the only person who knows that i know you. the only person who knows we were best friends. he's against the idea of me talking to you again. he's told me several to just leave you alone and focus on myself instead. but yeah, i'm stupid piece of shit. i didn't listen to him, and even used his name to get myself close to you again. i totally deserved that punch.

haha i remember that day, when he punched me. i'd been looking for my phone that morning, and found it on paris' hands during lunch time. that was the first time i'd seen him angry. i remember he dragged me to the hallways, and he was like "how is it like, catfishing? being paris? does it make you feel good?"

i knew better than to say anything. and he went on, and he was like "you passed out last night while texting. i wouldn't have scrolled through your messages if i didn't see her name. seriously, ian? hannah rod again? and using my name?" he poked my chest with my phone. "grab your fucking phone and tell her it's you."

wanna know what my stupid ass said? i told him i can't, because we're already getting along and i'm doing all this for a reason. or at least that was what i wanted to say, because halfway through my explanation, he punched me.

he doesn't get it. he's not the one going crazy here. remember the first day i was back to texas? we saw each other on a shop, and i approached you, talked to you, but you simply told me to shut the fuck up and leave you alone. remember how many times i tried approaching you, over and over again. i tried so many things, and you always ran away from me.

i'm sorry i got a little too desperate that i dated your best friend, that i pretended to be my best friend. i know they were selfish mistakes, and as cruel as it sounds, i barely regret doing them. i only regret not telling you little pieces about myself whenever you gave me an opportunity to. i should have told you earlier about my father, my bruises, about why i dated your friend, everything. you would have listened to me. not right away, i know, but eventually.

10: 43 PM

i miss paris. back then, before everything, he's the only person i willingly talk to. he tolerates my attitude, my anger issues, my irrational ass. he doesn't ask questions when he knows something is going bad. he's helped me since day one. he's listened to my rants.

it hurts that we don't talk anymore.

at least he and his dad are going to spend the christmas in our house.

11: 32 PM

by talking to you, i managed to lose three important people in my life.