My head and everything hurts. I haven't slept for like days and even when I DO sleep, I can't. It's complicated.
I feel like I have literally pushed everyone away. I just got told off by Gabe whom I have feelings for. Although we've been arguing a lot lately. He was like "and that's why everyone gives up on you because of your actions."
Why thank you for saying that!
I appreciate your humble words Gabe. Very offensive but whatever. I take everything to heart and what he said, I'm letting it affect my night.
On top of getting absolutely no sleep, I haven't been eating because I don't care enough to eat.
Merely, I don't want to eat because I want to starve myself. It seems that starvation may be the easy way out. I don't even know.
I'm feeling every emotion right now and I skipped my medication today just because I felt crappy this morning. Reason being, I had like six beers where I blacked out after. I know for a fact you can't mix alcohol with antidepressants and anti anxiety medication but sometimes I do it anyway; it's no wonder why I feel like shit and why I blew up at Gabe last night through Facebook messenger. Oh well... It's not like I can take anything back.
I woke up to many missed calls and voicemails and I don't even know what I had done or acted last night.
Some guy named Mike called me and left me a voice mail. I was so confused because apparently I had pocket dialed his number at 5AM last night.
Gosh. The things I do while drunk.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP DRINKING.
Alcohol is becoming an addiction. I'm relying on it. It's a habit and I'm turning into my Dad.
I also remember calling the place I go for counselling and I left a message but I honestly can't remember what I said. Omg. I am so embarrassed! Because the place opens tomorrow I may be getting a call.
Great.
I'm trying to sleep. However, I can't. There's so much shit going on in my mind at the moment.
Everyone has given up on me. At least, it feels that way. I told Gabe I wasn't ready for a relationship but he wanted one. I kept telling him over and over.
Like I warned him. It's not my fault if he is obsessed over me. I just want him to move on. I'm tired of it all!
I want to help and better myself before settling into a committed relationship. I want to really work on who I am before living with someone.
I don't want to drive someone crazy. Because, I know, and it's a fact - I have my days. Like yesterday, I had one of my mania episodes and it was BAD. I was very moody and blew up at everyone that tried talking to me. I'm just grateful that my landlords weren't home.
I feel better today. However as the day goes on, I don't know what the result will be.
My moods fluctuate.
I'm honestly tired of feeling this way...
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