I'm so messed, it's not even funny.
I have so many chances at life and I mess them up instantly.
Like Jack for instance. He came to the wedding with me and I blew it completely. We got a hotel that same night and, well, I was very aggressive towards him. I was very adamant and told him no but then did stuff my own way. And when he slept beside me, he tried cuddling and I instantly pushed him away.
It's like I have two sides: the affectionate and not so affectionate side. And it's hard, at times, to be real to myself and others.
I pushed him away but then throughout the night, I became crazy like an actual crazy person. Sometimes I would push him away and then sometimes I wouldn't.
It's hard to explain.
At times, I would make him come closer to me upon force. And I liked it a lot. Other times, I would shove him away completely.
To be honest with myself, I was very aggressive with him.
He's undergone so many surgeries for heart related problems and he told me today (through text) that due to my actions in the hotel that night, he can't be with me.
I knew something was up this morning because of the way he was acting. He acted so weird and was off. I asked if he was okay several times.
He said "yes" and that was it.
But I knew he was lying because I'm the best at catching liars in the act. Something was wrong for sure...
We had plans today to hang out, that was it. We were going to hang out all day and he even took off work to be with me.
But then before going to Breakfast, he said he some family emergency to attend to and he had to hurry and go home. I knew he was lying instantly.
He eventually dropped me back at home and that was that. I asked him to text me once he got home safely. And to keep me updated about his sister because apparently she was throwing up all night and today even.
He sent me this: "Hey listen I don't think it's working out. Last night was kind of a disaster that left me more scars then my first sugery plz know that it's not you it's me."
The message hurt so much and at the time I was in public with some good friends. I didn't know what to say to be honest.
So I blocked him upon being so upset and I didn't want to say the wrong thing.
As of now, I think it's best to take a break from dating and relationships overall. I don't like this anymore. The way I act hurts so many people and I think I gotta work on myself before committing myself to another person.
I have hurt so many people and I feel that I will continue to hurt more people if I don't get the help I need whenever that will be.
I feel that I won't ever get help because I don't even have my mother's support.
I have one person in my life and that's Gabe. But I also feel like I'm using him as well which is entirely inappropriate.
I feel like I don't deserve any chances because I'm this awful, God forsaken person, who intentionally does things to hurt people.
Not only am I losing people in my life but I'm losing myself. I may lose my job soon. I mean, I practically lost it Saturday, August 12th.
My manager, Mike, talks really bad about everyone at my workplace. So I got tired of it and told him to politely stop talking so negative about others. He didn't listen and he continues to rant and rave. He was like, "I can say whatever I want." He was calling my friends retarded and his words just got to me for some reason.
His words got to me so much that I ended up having an anxiety attack that day at work and I threw up many times. Living with anxiety is not polite because it's the worrying and panic that constantly gets to me.
It's the agonizing fear of what will happen next. Like I work with Mike this coming Wednesday and I don't want to work with him. He messed me up so much. He triggered me by saying the things he said.
I ended up reporting him to the union representative and another store manager because his words just affected me.
I disappeared from the department for a few hours and he ended up paging back to the department. However, I never came back. I did after like an hour and a half. I was in the employee washroom on the verge of a breakdown and it wasn't pretty...
I wish we can stop assuming and judging others. But we can't. It hurts me so much when people talk about others in a bad way. I wish I can be the person to change this.
I can't.
And that's what hurts the most.
I'm at a loss for everything.
I don't want to be recognized anymore. I caused harm to so many people and it seems that people don't appreciate the things I do. It seems that every day is getting a lot worse for me. It seems that with everything I do, people are laughing.
It seems that people just want me to disappear.
They want me gone forever.
Who knows - Maybe I will disappear forever because I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
And the nerve on Mike for talking about others in a bad way. He wanted to write me up that day also.
He wanted to write me up for doing my job.
He told me to go on lunch at 2:27pm and I said "okay, but lemme fill the counter first" as that's what we're supposed to do just in case we get a rush of customers. In retail, the customers always come first; never us.
When I refused, he said "I'm going to write you up" and he took off his gloves and went upstairs.
2:30pm came by and I went on my lunch as usual. The counter was filled and it was hella busy at the time. Customers were coming just when I was starting my lunch - There was nothing I could really do anyway.
There was nothing I could do though because I had to take a lunch and I was hungry.
After my lunch at 3pm, I ended my meal and that's when the panic attacks started. I don't really know how or why but it just happened.
It was for sure Mike's negativity but also likely an adverse effect from my medication.
I just know that today I'm okay.
For now, at least.
I don't know what else to do.
I'm very close to disappearing and telling nobody where I'm going. Because I want a fresh start but nobody will give it to me over here.
I'm so lost these days - It's not even funny.
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