I'm sorry. Really.
I'm sitting outside a support group that I've been banned from and I feel so scared. I was banned from the group but not the actual building. Like what on earth is wrong with me?
It's like I want trouble. I'm asking for it.
It's like I'm stalking the members here. Like I don't mean to and I'm sorry. I think it's my obsessive, bipolar behavior. It's making me this way.
I know for a fact that these antidepressants are not working. These meds are turning me into this crazy, obsessed person that I don't want to be. They're making me cold, bitter, and more aggressive.
They're making me use and manipulate people. I do it and then instantly regret it.
Like I basically CONVINCED Gabe to be my replacement at the group. I feel like I'm using him. It's an awful feeling.
He loves me and I semi love him. He keeps asking about this account I made secretly and I can't give it to him because I speak the truth.
I speak nothing but the truth in these vents.
And the truth is this: I'm an awful person whose going to be in prison very soon. If I don't stop manipulating others and forcing others to help me, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble soon.
I gotta let the help just come to me naturally.
I'm so screwed up for the things I have done and am doing right now. Sadly, I can't control my actions half the time. It's like someone else is controlling me.
It's a long term habit and it's hard to break out of.
I just want my friends and Mom back.
I especially want the forgiveness, respect, and trust back from the group as well.
I want to feel like I belong somewhere.
Everytime I come to this building nowadays, I get sooo depressed.
So I'm sitting here in the washroom crying and that's honestly going to get me nowhere.
I graffitied the building two weeks ago and all the graffiti has been removed. I don't know if anyone knows it was me..
But I'm not doing this anymore.
I am so scared that I threw away my markers. It's for the better anyway.
I don't need to break my peace bond because if I do, I have to pay a fine of $500.
My life basically sucks.
If people actually took the time to get to know me, they would see me as this awesome, amazing person.
They would be there.
Like Gabe.
Eventually I'll stop using others but it'll take time like everything does.
After being put through so much, it takes time to break old habits and start over.
It takes time to re-trust othersand reestablish trust and respect.
I'm sorry again.
And that's like the most pathetic thing to say.
But I don't know what else to say.
😥😥
~
