Numb. That's all I feel.
I feel so disconnected from reality.
It's like I'm expecting something to happen. However, it's not happening. And these medications my doctor has placed me on is not working. I don't even want to be on them. They make my moods dramatically worse.
Such as today for instance. I yelled at the workers in the department next to mine because they all said they couldn't watch my department. I wanted to take a break and I had two breaks and I literally flipped at them for no reason.
Yup, at my workplace, I'm pretty sure I'm known as the bitch.
As much as I want to improve and change, I can't compel myself too. It seems to me that every day is getting worse.
Like I don't even have my Mom to talk to. I don't have her for support. There's nobody in my life but Gabe. But he's not my immediate family. Where's my Mom when I need her? How about my alcoholic father? He's probably drunk at this very moment. He could care less about his kids. He's been like this since I can remember. I remember at the age of eight, my Dad passed out on the toilet with beer bottles around him on the floor and one in his hand. I was eight years old at the time and did not know what to do so I shrugged it off.
My father should have gotten the help for his issues. My Mom should have helped him. Maybe she did, but I don't know. I just know, maybe things with my father and I would be different today if he got the right help for his alcoholism and other issues. My father was not a nice man overall.
Then there's my sister. I message her on Facebook and no reply. I love her soo much and dream of being like her. This is something I can never admit. She's so outgoing and I'm not. I'm stuck in this shell and it's hard I get out. I wish I can escape and be like her; somehow I can't.
I live the impossible life.
My grandmother is a witch. She favors and admires my sister over me.
She bought my sister a laptop, car, paid for her schooling, and first home.
When I ask for her to help me with school, she says "no" right in my face.
Sometimes I wish I didn't exist. The way I have been treated in the past - It's not right. I want to cry but I have no tears left.
I want another mother as a replacement and I guess I've been doing that for quite some time. I don't know. I've been latching onto certain individuals.
One person in particular. She's from a support group I used to attend for months. This support groups is welcome for individuals struggling with depression and anxiety. I remember my old caseworker referred me there and the group has helped me a lot until one day they randomly banned me from that group plus all the other groups I currently attend. Reason being, my behavior was disruptive. But my behavior has only been disruptive at the Richmond Hill group, that's it. None of this makes sense.
Overtime, that group became family to me. I loved them so much. Although it was hard to open up and trust them as much as I wanted to. I've been betrayed and abused by sooo many people that it's just hard for me. I drank at almost every meeting and they finally got tired of it.
One facilitator at the group, I secretly admire sooo much. Her name is P. I feel like I've developed an obsession that I can't control as much as I want to. She does her groceries at my workplace and I pretend not to notice her out of spite. But what I want is a relationship, a bond. She doesn't want that so it makes it hard. All I can do is continue on working and that's it...
My behavior lately has been obsessive. But do you blame me? All my life I have been rejected. I just want someone to ACCEPT me. I'm not asking for too much at all...
I really hope I'm not.
I just want someone in my life and I'm probably going to get in a whole lot of trouble soon if I don't shape up.
I just know it...
~
