silence ; phan

one

I think a lot in the evening, usually, it's about nothing in particular; rethinking conversations I had with my few friends that day, though sometimes it's different. Sometimes, I think about me. I think about how much easier it would be if I could hear the sound of peoples voices, or how loud the washing machine that my brother always complains about is. They say that it's obnoxious and disrupts the sound of the TV, though, I believe if I could hear, I wouldn't find anything obnoxious.

What would it be like if I could hear the sound of the rain drops that I can currently see chucking against my window? I just want something to fill the abyss of my mind, like the loud boom of fireworks that send or dog mental when the neighbours set them off. Things could be worse, though, and the only thing I have to fill my mind is my own thoughts.

And again, things could be worse; I could have mental health issues, and then being left to just my thoughts really would be bad, but alas, no, I'm just bored. Bored of the nothingness I get to hear every day, and that nothingness is, of course, silent, as is everything.

I get up to close my curtains, shutting out the sight of a noise I can't hear, which has been described to me as a gentle tapping. I don't know what sounds gentle or tapping are, but some say the sound of rain is relaxing, and some say it's annoying, and I'll never know. Once again, I return to my bed, staring up at my ceiling and looking at the pattern there, losing myself back into my mind, loud with thoughts, metaphorically obviously.

Of course, it has its up sides; mum is constantly complaining in the morning about getting no sleep because of the irritating teens shouting in the middle of the streets at an ungodly hour. And then there's Kaidan's music which our parents always tell them to turn down. Kaidan often complains about our parents being loud when they have guests over, getting overly drunk for the fact that they have work early on most mornings. I don't have to face any of those things, but I doubt I'd care about them if I could hear them. People complain about something that I crave to experience, but it's not their fault. They don't know what it's like to not be able to hear, and I don't know what it's like to be able to hear.

Yes, I live in silence, but that's not to say I'm silent. Teachers in school tell me off for being rowdy during lessons, and my friends constantly inform me that I'm the loudest of the group. They compliment me on having a nice laugh and a soft voice, which I have no way of controlling anyway. That's nice, but also makes me wonder what my voice sounds like, or how other peoples voices sound, and how they differ.

Nobody has caught on to the fact that I can't hear any of these things, though. Clearly, my family know, and my old speech therapist who helped me to where I am, being able to read lips and talk without slurring unknowingly. Things are okay, I suppose. Not great, but not bad.

I pull myself out of bed and out of my thoughts, roaming over to my wardrobe and grabbing some pyjama bottoms. Hey, at least I can see! That makes things like this easy. But then I reckon a blind person might think 'at least I can hear!'. How am I to know which one I'd prefer; when I only have one of the two.

I tackle my jeans off, which is a struggle that I face most evenings, and I don't know why I do this to myself, but I manage. I then pull my t-shirt over my head and throw it into my wash basket, followed by the jeans that were sat by my feet, and then I put on my pyjama bottoms, deciding to sleep shirtless, as per usual.

My phone, which is currently sat on my bedside table, lights up, signalling that I have some sort of notification. It turns out to be a text, so I check my messages. There are a mere 10 contacts in my phone, give or take few, as I can't be asked to do the maths, but I don't mind. It's better than having a phone filled with irrelevant people that I give zero fucks about.

The text is from Pj:

Peej - Sup Daniel

- Yo peejama boy. see what I did there? PEEJama

- I just put my pyjamas on too, I'm such a comedian

Peej - I'm surprised ur awake, it's like 2 am

- Pj it's me, Dan Howell, of course I'm awake ALSO shouldn't I be asking YOU that?!?!!1

Peej - idk why I'm texting you, I need to sleeeeeeeeep

- then sleep, it's not too difficult

Peej - okay

Peej - bye, I'm gonna get my beauty sleep

- lmao 'beauty' sleep. like u could ever be beautiful

- jOking

Peej - wow that was so offensive you can probably hear me screaming

I put my phone down and laugh a little to myself. How is it that I've kept this up for so long? I climb into bed and pull the covers over my body, switching off the lamp beside my bed and making the room turn to pitch black. My eyes feel heavy, tired from a day of schoolwork, and having to pay close attention to everyone's faces so that I know what they're saying. My eyes flutter, before slamming shut, a sudden wave of more intense tiredness hitting me.

yo, it's me with a new story. woooo. idk what to say besides from YES I KNOW DAN'S BROTHER IS CALLED ADRIAN, but the idea for this story was from my friend Kaidan, so now they're called Kaidan, rite??????