Hearts Without Chains

28.

~We should be too big to take offense and too noble to give it~ Abraham Lincoln

Josephine-

Friday came around and everyday since I last saw Harry, I force myself not to call him and not to text him. I know it's because I'm a stubborn person and I am waiting for him to do it, and that's just one of my flaws I guess. And I suppose it is one of Harrys, which I should have already known he had from his hard attitude and how sure he is of himself.

And both of our flaws put together equals a much larger, and difficult one. Teagan lays at my feet now as I sit on my couch watching tv, but not really. I'm thinking and trying to figure out just what happened to my great summer before college, and how I planned on spending all the time I could with my friends before I went. I haven't seen Tyler since I went to his house, I haven't seen Liv in a while, and I haven't seen Shawn since she last came to my house.

Maybe I should call Olivia, and see if there is anything going on this weekend that could get my mind off things. So then I am doing just that, and getting invited along to another one of Brandon's house parties. I'm sure that Harry will not be there, because I get the feeling that he doesn't like Brandon, and especially Tyler. But he's made that one clear. And before I know it I am texting Tyler to confirm if he is going or not, and he offers to pick me up and bring me himself.

I asked him if he was picking up Kim, and he said that she was just going to meet him there. And I had no right at that moment to feel relieved, but I did. I didn't feel like getting dressed up, so I only change out of my pajamas to put on jeans and a nice shirt, and ignore the black flats that Harry had taken the rocks out of, grabbing a grey pair instead.

I just let my hair stay the way it is, standing in my kitchen and eating peanut butter off a spoon until Tyler knocked at my door. When I am sat in his car, trying at all costs not to have a conversation about Harry with him, he asks me,

"So.....how are you and Harry?"

I look out my window so he can't see my face while I lie to him, "Fine." I answer.

I know he's nodding his head even though I'm not looking at him, and all I know is that tonight I want to drink a little, something I never, ever used to want to do. Just so I can stop checking my phone every five seconds and waiting for there to be a knock at my door. But I already solved that one by leaving my house completely. I've become aware of the fact that if Harry and I stopped whatever was going on between us, I wouldn't even lose anything. He wasn't my boyfriend, and I wasn't his girlfriend.

When we arrive I'm glad to see Olivia and Shawn, and they are excited that I finally allow myself to drink, mixing me up some berry drink substance. I wonder what made it change, and then I remember that it was when I was at this house, angry at Harry for ignoring me, and so I drank to try and rid myself of it. And I'm doing the same now, but I make myself not care.

About an hour later Tyler is taken from me by Kim, asking him to make her a drink. So I stay in the living room with Shawn as he leaves us, talking to her and sipping at my drink. By my second one I start feeling great, happy even. I'm aware that Harry isn't here at all, and that makes it all the better. It hurts to say that I might as well get over him at some point, because it doesn't seem like he wants to stay around for long. So I gulp down more of my vodka drink, and lean on Shawn as we stand in the living room. This time I don't feel sick to my stomach by drinking, but I feel at ease. Calm, and carefree.

When a boy that I recognize from school walks up to Shawn and asks her to dance with him, she blushes furiously and looks to me. I lift my drink in a sort of salute, and she walks off with him to where everyone is sort of dancing, but not, with drinks in their hand. And then I'm alone, what seems to always happen. So I go into the kitchen and make myself another drink, leaning against the counter to drink it.