Fit Her Shoe [Gottfred & Lorin]

Kabanata 15

Gottfred did not return home that night and I just consoled myself that he managed to send me a text message, explaining that there was something urgent and important he needed to attend to and I would just be picked up tomorrow by his driver.

That same night, I decided to cut my hair short—an impulsive, reckless, and desperate decision in an attempt to be like Loris. Seeing the divorce papers filled me with anxiety and dread fear. While I had anticipated this moment to come and mentally prepared to move forward after this was over, it still had caught me offguard. Dahil ang totoo naman talaga niyan, dito sa puso ko ay malaki ‘yong bahagi na umaasang magiging kami sa huli kahit ano pa ang mangyari.

“Sigurado ka na ba talaga, Miss Lorin?” hindi mapakaling tanong ni Emma sa akin habang sinusuklay ‘yong mahaba kong buhok, siya na pinakiusapan ko na putulin ito hanggang sa may balikat ko.

Tulad noong kay Loris.

Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi. Hindi pa man niya napuputol ito ay malaki na agad ‘yong panghihinayang ko. Maalaga ako sa katawan lalong-lalo na sa buhok ko. I was always making it sure that I was giving this crowning glory the best treatment. Pero hindi ko inakala na kahit pala ito ay kaya kong gawin para sa kaunting pagtingin mula sa taong mahal ko. Para sa mga baka-sakaling makita rin niya ang halaga ko kapag naging katulad ako ng kakambal ko.

“Oo. Sigurado na ako, Emma. Sige na. Ituloy mo na,” tango ko.

Mula sa salamin ay tiningnan niya ako sa nangungusap na tingin.

“Miss Lorin, hindi naman sa nangingialam ako, ha? Pero kasi ay hindi mo naman kailangang baguhin ang sarili mo,” aniya.

“Hahaba rin naman ito, Emma,” sagot ko. “And it was just hair, anyway. Ilang buwan lang din naman ay babalik na sa dating haba ito.”

Kahit labag kay Emma ang desisyon ko ay alam niyang wala na siyang magagawa pa kundi ang sumunod sa gusto ko.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and braced myself as the scissors made its first contact with my hair, reminding myself that it would grow back in time.

Paunti-unti ang ginawang paggupit ni Emma hanggang sa tumigil siya sa may balikat ko. Nang matapos ay kabado kong pinagmasdan ang sarili sa salamin at namilog na lang ang bibig sa nakitang repleksyon ko roon. It was just a haircut but it already made a big difference. Like I was looking at my twin right now. Ngayon ay hindi maipagkakaila na kambal nga kaming dalawa.

“Kamukhang-kamukha mo na si Miss Loris, Miss Lorin,” ani Emma.

I stared at myself more in the mirror, overwhelmed by a sudden wave of sadness and indifference. It was here now. I looked so much like my twin. I was yearning to be her, to resemble her even just a little.

But why was not I happy?

Why was this heaviness consuming me?

Sa huli ay binalewala ko na lang ‘yong nararamdaman. Maybe, it would be all worth it. Hahawak ako sa kaunting pag-asa na baka sa paraang ito ay sa wakas magustuhan na rin niya ako.