Indignant Heart

Chapter 26: Opening Up 2

"Stop blaming yourself."

I tried to tear myself from his grip, but he wouldn't let go of my wrist. "How can I not Carter?" I could feel my tears sliding down my cheeks, creating permanent marks of guilt. "All it takes is one second, just one. It took one second in that car for my life to go completely wrong. It took one second for my mom to die. It was that easy."

"Please, just back away from the bridge for me." He was tugging on my wrist. I complied. "Things happen Naomi, and yes, it's terrible. Trust me I know."

"You don't know anything!" I ripped my hand away. "You don't have to live with the guilt of causing your mother's death!"

I saw him gulp and shove his hands in his pockets. He remained quiet, uttering nothing. The air between us was thick. Then finally, he spoke. "You felt so guilty, you wanted to jump."

"I guess so..." I felt a chill run down my spine. Was guilt all it was?

"So why didn't you?"

I crossed my arms and looked down at my feet. "Henry found me and stopped me."

"And you're not grateful to him for that?" He sounded incredulous.

"I don't know Carter! I don't know anything!"

"How come?! That should be a pretty easy answer."

"I know what I have okay? Maybe it's an easy answer for you, but not me. Things aren't that simple. I wasn't just born like this!"

"What you have? What are you talking about?"

Just rip the bandaid off, let it out in the air. Maybe he'll understand. I let the tension between us settle. I hadn't realized I was raising my voice and he was as well.

"Sorry..." I professed before confessing, "I was diagnosed with severe PTSD shortly after the accident."

I've never seen him look more stupefied. His eyes stared at me with revelation. They were darting in between mine and I couldn't help how quick my bottom lip was quivering. I was ashamed. I was upset. I was relieved. I didn't know how to feel.

"I--I'm sorry. I didn't know." He gulped again.

"It's fine. I don't wear the shirt--"

"No. I was being insensitive from the moment I met you." He was angry at himself. He turned his back on me and paced toward the other side of the bridge before turning around to face me again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have misjudged you."

"It's okay." My heart felt full. It was sincere and honest and it was coming from him. I let out the breath I was holding in and explained. "It didn't take long after the accident for me to have reoccurring flashbacks of what happened, constantly. It didn't matter where I was, in the middle of the street or sitting down in my room. They were always so vivid. I felt like I was reliving it. It was always that moment right before the crash. The expression on her face, it broke me to pieces everyday. I had nightmares daily. I mean they don't happen as often anymore, but when they do, it's terrifying.

"I'm afraid to get in another car. I'm permanently scarred." I hug myself after fisting away my tears. "Everything scares me now. It could be the smallest thing. I always feel like I'm alone and like a disappointment. I don't like doing the things I used to and emotionally, I'm just detached. I became suicidal. I mean those were things I thought I would never experience in my lifetime, but look at me now..." I can no longer keep the tears from escaping. I felt sorry for myself. I didn't want to face him either in fear that he may feel sorry for me too.

"I hate being this way, but I can't control it. The world just labeled me some stupid disease and it turned out to be true."

"No, I get it." Carter took a few steps toward me.