Indignant Heart

Chapter 47: Blame

"I should've told you."

"It's fine."

By this time I had let him go and he sat down on a nearby couch. He persisted on rubbing his hands together and looking worrisome. I wanted to make sure he believed me when I said it was fine, but I'm not sure he did.

"I didn't want you to come here and see her like that. I tried to make sure she wouldn't freak out or anything but...well, you see how well that went." An exasperated laugh escapes him as he leans back against the couch. "I'm sorry...you probably feel out of place right now."

"No." I insist. "I don't. It's just...I know what she's going through and how she's feeling. I can relate because I have the same issues." There was an annoyance peaking in my voice, but I simmered it down.

"I know and I'm sorry about that too. I was just so excited for you both to meet and finally move forward, but—"

"Carter. It's not your fault."

"But it is." He gets to his feet, throwing his hands up in defeat. "I could've prevented it all from happening the minute I saw that bastard put his hands on her and the minute I heard her cowering." His words were laced in regret and pain. I didn't want to hear this. "But I didn't. I let it happen and this was the outcome."

"You did all you could."

"But I could've done more."

"And you think that would've changed the outcome?" My voice rises as I retort.

"It probably could've."

"But we'll never know!" I get to my feet as well, challenging him. "You can't go back in time to fix it! What happened was supposed to happen right? That's what you keep telling me so why can't you move on too?"

"Because I come here every few weeks and watch the woman who raised me treat me like I'm the one who hurt her!

"But you're not to blame Carter! If anything, it's—"

I shut my mouth, not daring to utter the word that would come next. Just a few seconds ago, I wouldn't hesitate to unveil the person who I cast all the blame to, but now, as I faced Carter, I couldn't bring myself to say it at all.

"It's what?" He asked, eyes narrowed like a predator. I felt myself shrink down. It was the first time I had felt so small in a while. I didn't like it. But he was angry and irritated. "Who do you blame Naomi?"

The defiant nature in me wanted to say it anyway, just to prove that I wasn't intimidated by his authoritative presence, but in the end I couldn't. It felt...wrong and irrational.

Just as I was about to speak, I heard a small voice enter the room. "Please stop arguing both of you. This is nobody's fault."

We both bring our attention to Carter's mother who is drowning in tears, eyes red from the constant overflow of her guilt. It breaks my heart to see her like this, and I barely know her, but I know the demons she battles. And it's a never ending one.

"Carter...honey...I wish you would stop being so hard on yourself. None of this is your fault."

The Carter who was about to face me head on in battle was gone. The Carter who was wounded by his mother's irrational anger had returned and the soft puppy look on his face made me forget about our argument and want to hug him. He needed to be told a thousand times over that there was nothing more he could've done to change the fate of his mother. It wasn't his path to shape.

"Mom..." His voice broke, croaking like a wounded animal that needed to be tended to.

"Listen to me." She swallowed down her tears, rubbing them from her face and crossing the room to stand in front of him. "Stop. Stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over—"

"But I could've—"

"I said stop." Her words were the gavel to end the debate. There was no more arguing. She was dead serious. "You hurt me when you say things like that. And you bring back painful memories. So cut it out."

Carter's inflated anger had burst. Now, he resembled a meek and small child after a scolding. I felt like I was intruding. I wanted to run away from here. This was obviously a personal discussion between mother and son, and I didn't belong here.

"I'm sorry." Her voice cracks at the end as the tears well up again and the lump in her throat forms. I look away immediately, afraid that I would too, soon start to cry. "I know I've made things hard for you. But please...be patient with me. I'll figure out how to deal with this...so it'll be better for the both of us."

I dared to look back and she was grabbing onto his hands in earnest. A slight motion in his jaw displayed his tenseness and rigid demeanor. He was staring down at her with glossy orbs, threatening to spill over. He said nothing else, and it was clear that this was difficult for him. For the first time, I've seen Carter in a position where he didn't have words for a situation.

Or maybe he wanted it that way. Maybe he didn't want to say anything. Maybe it would break his character of a strong child if he said something that showed his vulnerability and would lead to tears soon after.

She embraced him, and he held her back, nesting his head in her neck. Her hands rubbed circular motions around his back as she spilled over in tears.

Here I would make my leave, sneaking out the front of the house, releasing my bike from the top of his car, and riding off as my chest heaved. I didn't know why. Maybe it wasn't the right decision to leave them there, or maybe it was. All I knew was I felt like an imposter and I had to get out.

I had stepped into a part of Carter's life that made me realize just how intricate and delicate things were with him. I saw things I wasn't prepared for. I wondered if I would ever be.

~*~

Thanks for reading! God bless!