Indignant Heart

Chapter 56: Challenge of Faith

I made my way home that night, reluctant in every way, shape and form. I didn't want to leave his side. And I could briefly remember the look of sadness, but reassurance in his eyes as I took one last glance back.

By the time I reached home, it was already 5 in the morning, almost 6. Henry met me at the door and before he had a chance to say anything to me, I threw myself into his arms and broke down. He held me as long as I let him. I told him what happened and for the rest of the morning, all I could remember was feeling so sad and hopeless. The both of us prayed, holding fast onto hope for Carter to get better. Henry did his best to comfort me, but after a while, I just wanted to be alone.

Eventually, I fell asleep for a few hours until a call woke me up. It was the hospital calling to tell me Carter didn't make it.

That was the moment I lost myself and all the control I had been hanging onto. All sanity had been relinquished. I let out a terrifying shriek, a cry from heartbreak. I could feel my body on fire and burning up from the hate and anger and indignation I felt. Henry wasted no time rushing into my room, but I rushed past him and out the door. His calls for me were muted by the roaring blood flow in my ears. I heaved and panted as I chased the pavement with my bike.

The thunder chanted in the air, but I didn't care. I didn't know where I was going, but I didn't care. I rode and rode, twisting and turning on the street, blinded by tears and eventually rain pour. The once clear sky became a dull and furious gray.

I began to yell and shriek as I rode, matching the volume of the thunder and seeing the sky light up as lightning struck.

"I HATE YOU!" I screamed, heaving even more. "You took everything away from me! Everything good! Everything I loved!"

My bike had started to wobble underneath me and I tried my best to ride steadily, but my rage was consuming me.

"Everyone left me! My father! My mother! And now Carter! Everyone!" A loud burst of thunder rung through my ears. "I don't know why I had faith in You when all You do is take everything!"

I notice where I end up and come to a stop. I was at the boat dock. Part of me was telling me to advance forward, maybe head to the church and find something I needed there. But I didn't want to step foot in any place God lived. God ruined everything for me.

"Hey miss! You need to get off this bridge! I've got some shipments waiting to get across!"

I hear the man clearly, but can't bring myself to move. My body shivers in the rain as I stay frozen from indecisiveness.

"Excuse me! Did you hear me? You need to get off the bridge!"

I pick up my bike and turn back, pedaling away from the church.

My fury rose as I thought about him. My heart was broken. I didn't know what to do. Carter was gone. He left me...he knew that's what would happen to him. And it was my fault. I shouldn't have texted him. I shouldn't have loved him. I shouldn't have met him! I shouldn't have went to that damn church! I shouldn't have let Henry convince me to go!

I began to ride with purpose. I knew where I would head. I felt my phone in my pocket vibrate, but I threw it to the ground. I wouldn't need it anymore.

Life was just a sick game. God didn't care who lived or died. He didn't care who was happy or sad. We walked through life not knowing what would happen to us in the end, and God sat up in the clouds laughing at our misery and misfortune. And that's what I hated.

I stopped my bike when I came to the bridge I had almost jumped from months ago. The rain was heavier now and relentless. The thunder was music to my ears and with each streak of lighting guiding my path, what I had to do from the very start became so apparent.

"My mom deserved to live..." The words I spoke became desolate. "You shouldn't have allowed me to live."

I took another step toward the rail, looking over the edge and into the black abyss of water. "She never got a chance to teach me how to swim. That's on the both of us, God."

I inhaled, gripping the rail as I thought about Carter. Tears instantly overflowed. "You shouldn't have ripped him from this world yet! I loved him so much!"

Naomi, I don't want you to get angry. I don't want you to blame God either.

The words he told me echoed through my mind. I shook my head to be rid of them. "I can't Carter...I'm sorry..."

Promise me...do it for me...promise me you won't back track...promise me you won't go back there.

"I can't!" I cried, reaching my hands to my roots. "I can't..."

Then I remembered the first time we prayed together. The first time I heard his sincerity.

Give her a reason to want to know You.

"You were my reason Carter..." I choked.

I don't know her. But if it be Your will, allow me to be a vessel for Your glory.

"You were the perfect vessel..." The tears didn't stop.

Break our hearts Lord, so that we may seek you in the end.

My heart was broken. And all I could see now was anger. In the end, that was all for nothing because I had grown to hate God more than I ever had.

I started for the bridge again, holding on to the rail. I was going to jump and this would finally be over. I stood on the edge and closing my eyes I inhale, picturing Carter's face...his luscious black hair...golden and intense eyes...pink full lips...perfect jaw structured face...blinding smile that held his beautiful dimple. I pictured him happy, confused, angry, sad, frustrated, and then looking at me as if he was in love. I let that be the last memory I had of him as the tears caressed my face.

"Goodbye...Carter."

I had thought this would be it. But as I pushed myself up from my feet, I felt my right foot slip and ankle crack, giving out as I landed on it. I wailed from the pain as I fell to the ground and onto the road. The pain was surging and I cried out, holding it down. I began panting, looking down at my foot and watched it fall limp. I cursed to myself as I tried to drag my body from the road.

But as I looked to my right, a car was coming full speed and it didn't seem like they saw me. I started waving my hands in the air, trying to catch its attention, but it wouldn't stop.

Fear kicked in, ironically enough. I panicked, looking at my broken ankle and the wet ground. My breathing picked up as I winced through each movement with desperate attempts of getting out the way.

But nothing could be done. Even if I could get up, I wouldn't be able to run out the street before the car hit. I wasted so much time worrying, when I was about to end my life just a few moments ago.

Maybe this was God's way of waking me up...telling me 'I told you so'...proving to me that He knew I really didn't want to die. But now I would die because I asked for it so much.

This couldn't be the end. Everyone I loved went out like this...with a car...it would be fitting.

No...

I couldn't go out like this...I wanted to live...I had people I still wanted to love...people who still cared about me in this world. Henry...the symbol of love in my life...Avery...my best friend...Jordan...the church...

I closed my eyes and gave up on trying to move. I took one last glance at the speeding car before closing my eyes again. Even if it did stop, it'd skid and hit me on impact. I'd be dead. It was over.

But something in me said fight.

Help her see that You are the one and true living God and that You'll always be here for her when no one else is.

As I breathed heavily, realizing that no one else was here for me, I shut myself down.

But from the top of my lungs, I yelled into the world, a cry that has been yearning to release itself from me.

"GOD HELP ME!"

Then everything went black.

~*~

Thanks for reading! God bless!