Indignant Heart

Chapter 36: Heartache

"Naomi, can I speak with you for a minute please?"

Carter took off not too long ago. He promised he would message me when he got home. This only allowed Henry to take advantage of the moment and insert his two sense.

"Fine. How come you never told me how you felt about Carter?"

He sighs lightly, taking a seat on the nearest chair. "I didn't want to ruin your happiness. I haven't seen you like this in a long time honey."

He was right. My mood was changing. But still. "Don't you think that was a little harsh? To judge him like that?"

"It was. And I apologized to him before he left. I want to apologize to you as well. I didn't mean to meddle, it wasn't my place."

There was nothing I could really say, so I just nodded and accepted his apology.

"But tell me something...is it true what he says? I've come to witness your change in personality and actions but...are you actually learning about God and His truth?"

I nod once. I was.

"Are you sure? Are you sure that it's not Carter that you're focused on and relying on?"

Offense hit me like a brick. I couldn't help but to feel insulted. "What are you trying to say?"

He gets up quickly and holds a hand out to hush me. "Don't be offended, but you have to see where I'm standing and looking in on from the outside...you're spending all your time with him and I'm sure that feelings are developing between the two of you—"

"Your point?" I finally snap. A barrier in myself has been broken and I feel the old Naomi waiting for her curtain call.

Crystal blue orbs take me in and they blink rapidly, halting the words his mouth would speak. "I just want to make sure you follow the path you're meant to sweetie...that's all."

I choke on the venom lurking up my throat. The old Naomi is pushed back by compassion and understanding: feelings I've come to learn these past few weeks.

"Henry," I begin. "Carter...he's looking out for my best interest too. That's all he's been doing since we met. And yes, some of his tactics were harsh, but he changed. I changed...we helped change each other. I learned that from him. He said that he believes God placed us in each others' lives for that reason. He taught me that everything that happens to us happens for a reason...for God's reason, no matter how bad. It was a scripture he shared with me. So yes. I do rely on him. He's teaching me things I've never known before...things I don't even think Mom could've taught me. It needed to be him and I realize that now. Could you please understand that?"

I hadn't even been speaking for a couple minutes and I could see the tears welling in Henry's eyes, threatening to overflow, but he blinked them back.

"Yes honey, of course. I'm sorry."

My body moves on its own and soon enough, I am in his arms and gripping him for a tight embrace. His own body tenses, but he doesn't hesitate to enclose me in his arms. He feels warm.

"Don't worry Dad. I'll follow the path I'm meant to follow."

He doesn't say a word. All I feel is his embrace circling me tighter, scared to let me go.

It was night once more. I gazed out at the stars. I never really took the time to appreciate how beautiful the sky looked, even when it was dark.

In my hand was the single piece of paper left from my wall, the only one I wanted to keep.

Mom.

"I met a boy Mom..." I knew she wasn't listening, but something in me wanted to speak it aloud. Besides, a shred of myself silently hoped she was right by my bed, tuning into every word.

"His name is Carter...actually it's Zachary, but he detests his real name and I can't blame him.

"I met him at church. If you'd ever seen him before then you'd know that he's breathtakingly handsome. He's tall like Dad, has nice black hair and these hazel honey eyes that I can't ever seem to get enough of, but that's besides the point.

"I know I never went to church with you and Dad when you were alive. And I regret that now, because there's so much I've learned because of Carter. Sure he was a bit mean at first, and it's not like I didn't deserve it because I was rude to the people there...oh wait, you don't know about my condition...

"After you...went on to heaven, I was diagnosed with PTSD...it's been hard. I hated myself for what I did to you..." My tears betrayed me. All the bottled up emotions were being spilt and I couldn't yield them.

"I hated everything. I lost my friends, my relationship with Henry was dying, and I felt guilty about everything. I wanted to die...I tried to kill myself by jumping off the bridge and hoping I would drown...I was lost and in a dark place. He tried to stick me in therapy, but it didn't work. So I went to church. And that's when I met Carter.

"He helped me realize the good in life Mom. He helped me look at my misfortune and try to live happily despite everything. He helped me understand that God does everything for a reason.

"I didn't know what life really meant before I met Carter. He opened my eyes to life in a new way. He opened up all these emotions and feelings inside of me too...sometimes I'm scared to acknowledge how I really might feel about him...sometimes I wish you were here to help me sort through my messy heart.

"But when I'm with him Mom, I feel the best I have in months. I want him to continue to be here and help me learn new things. And I want to be here for him any way I can. I truly don't know what he saw in me...but I'm glad he did.

"Isn't this supposed to be the part where you meet him? And joke about how you don't approve of him? Then invite him over to dinner and talk about his future plans...and make sure he has a strong heart for the Lord...and threaten him not to break my heart...and take stupid pictures on our prom day...and sit next to him on my graduation day...and tell me that I've made a good choice...

"And cry with me as I leave for college...and cry when I finally come back to visit...and scream with joy as I get proposed to...and sob behind me when I get married...and give me the talk when I go off to my honeymoon...and help me unpack when I move into my new home...and come to visit so we can sit and laugh and joke and dance and cry like we used to—"

Like we used to...

"But you can't. And you won't...and—"

The words escape me as I sob into despair; my heart breaking into a million shards of glass, crumbling in my rib cage and threatening to spill the ache I've been feeling for months.

But the paper...it's in my hand. And I remember what I've written so clearly. It's at the forefront of my mind.

"And you will. In heaven we will reunite Mom...I promise! No more pain...no more tears...all I want is to see you again! And I will!"

The clear water runs down my flesh, creating streaks of painful tears.

Heartache caused a pain so unbearable, but hope caused a strength so indestructible.

As I drifted off to sleep, my ache died down, the tears stopped, and I felt my body and mind at ease.

Mom...I'm so sorry...

A strange, but comforting warmth had enveloped me that night. I would sleep soundly and not be overtaken with worry and stress of the past. I thought of my mom, and her smiling at me.

Mumbling in my sleep, I said one last thing before dozing away.

"Maybe we can do it all in heaven one day..."

~*~

Thanks for reading! God bless!!