Speech |a.f.i au|

2.5

Waking up the next day was rough and it only seemed to get worse once Ashton made another appearance at my front door.

"We need to talk," he announces. Nodding in agreement, I open the door more to let him in. I could tell he hasn't slept. His cheeks sunken in and the bags underneath his eyes were bright purple and blue.

"I think we should break up," I blurt. The words tumble out of my mouth before I can process them. Ashton's eyes flash with hurt and he begins to shake his head. "Is that what you wanted to talk about?"

"I don't want a breakup! I want a break, but not completely!" I can feel the pain in his voice and it hurts me, but this was for the best.

"Ashton, you don't even know who you are and I've completely lost the person I thought I was," I tell him honestly. "I can't look at you or do things with you without imagining h-her," I stutter.

"I'm so sorry, Rene,"

"Me too, Ashton, me too." 

He takes in a deep breath and he lays his head on my shoulder, letting out a quick sigh.

"Do you think we'll ever get back together?" Ashton asks.

I shrug my shoulders, being careful not to shrug him completely off.

"Ashton, I love you, I swear. But right now, this is best for the both of us," I tell him, I feel him nod and I reach one of my hands up and play with his hair.

"I know, I know,"

....

Day one wasn't bad, it felt mutual, but the knot in my stomach didn't seem to settle. I just went to bed that day, no food, no shower, nothing but covers and water.

Day two sucked. To say it hurt was an understatement. I could feel the heaviness of my heart and how my body ached so bad that I couldn't move. My head felt everywhere yet so hollow at the same time.

Day three was fucking terrible. My room reeked, my stomach had been rumbling since two in the morning of the previous day. It wasn't until Madi pulled me by arms and forced me into the shower and practically shoved food down my throat.

Day four was a bit better. My mom took off work and we got a letter saying I was truant. She wasn't mad, rather, she called the school and said she'd like to transfer me to online school for the rest of the year, even though I had about two months of school left, it was best for me right now.

Day five, I cut my hair with a pair of scissors I found in the drawer in the bathroom, while I was crying. That very day, Madi and my mom took me to a hair salon and fixed everything I messed up.

Day six, I asked Abbey to come to my father's grave with me. I vented to a stone, imagining him there while Abbey was holding my hand. Crying out about how Ashton broke my heart, and how I was an idiot for giving myself to someone who probably didn't give a fuck about me.

Day seven, I went to church for the first time in a few months. I saw Michael for the first time since he got out of rehab. He looked quite a bit better and he seemed happier playing up on the stage of the church.

Day eight, I registered for online school and decided that I needed to apply for a college and when I did, it wasn't a college in Nebraska. It was one in Arizona. My father loved Arizona and it was one of the last vacations we all went on together before he passed and it was my favorite time with him I've had.

Today, a boy with curly hair and hazel brown eyes showed up on my doorstep, with bloodshot, tired eyes.

"I miss you," he says, I can feel my hands tremble as he clasps them between his. He pulls me in for a hug and I don't know how I feel about it. I embrace his warmth and I feel his arms tighten around me. And just as tears fill my eyes, he breaks as well.

After standing for a few moments and crying, I invited Ashton in and we didn't talk or do much of anything aside from sniffling and listening to the creaks of the stairs as we walked up. 

We sit down on my bed and just take a deep breath in. That's when I noticed how messy my room is. Dirty laundry scattered my floor and there were dirty dishes lying around just about everywhere.

"I'm not fine at all," he speaks, tears rolling down his cheeks. I nod, agreeing with him.

"Same," I say emotionless.

"We're a fucking mess,"