Stay (Disasters In Love: Book 1.5) (SLOW UPDATES)

Chapter 15

Kat
September 10, 2005

*

Next day

*

I stare at the blank page before me, willing the words to appear without actually writing them, but they never do.

I can only think of one thing to say, but it's just not enough. I scribble it down, over and over, filling an entire page, but it's still not enough.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

It will never be enough, but it's all that I can give. Flipping to a new page, I manage to write another phrase that I've prayed over and over. It probably won't actually mean anything to him, but to me it means everything.

Please don't hate me.

None of this will mean anything once he realizes what I'm doing, what this really is. I hope that once he understands, he will be able to move past this.

I'm so, so sorry.

My brain is on a constant loop, when I'm not terrified out of my mind, I'm apologizing to someone who has no way of knowing what is happening... yet.

I know you don't understand why, but I need you to accept this and move on.

But please don't actually move on, I can't stand to see you with anyone else. I want to write these words, but I don't.

Please, just forget about me.

I don't want to do this at all, but the thought of losing him is enough to keep me strong and determined to see this through.

I'm so sorry, Ben.

I hate myself, but I have no choice. I've avoided it, I've avoided him, for long enough. I know he's probably upset with me and maybe even hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to do it before. I needed some time for my courage to build.

I'm sorry I've been avoiding you, but I just wasn't sure how to tell you.

I will myself to write more, to truly explain everything, but I can't. I want to scream "I'm doing this for you!"

Please forgive me.

Not that it will matter, because I won't-

Oh god. I can't do this.

The tears filling my eyes keep me from writing any more. I wipe them using my sleeve, as the wretched paper comes back into focus.

I love you, but I can't see you anymore.

I could fill a notebook with everything I should say, but these words, these lies, refuse to be covered with the truth.

I guess they aren't all lies though, I really am sorry.

I will miss you, but it's for the best.

I really will miss him. I'm not sure if I will be able to survive this.

Looking down at my pathetic attempt to write my first break-up letter, I realize just how much I left out.

What more can I say though?

Honestly, I just want this part to be over. I just want him to stop trying to see me, this is hard enough as it is.

I just want to curl up in a hole and die, but Ben deserves at least some of the truth.