Thresheld

The Case For Emily.

To every women it most certainly concerns,

I'm sure by the time you read this you'll know exactly who I am. Whoever you are, wherever you are, or whatever language you speak I imagine by the time I'm rich and famous this piece of my early work will undoubtedly be translated and distributed to you. That is good, because I am writing this to answer your very unsettling questions. Obviously by the time you read this you'll have a clear idea of who I am in your mind: Charming, handsome, debonair. Now as you fantasize my glory I'm sure you can't help but think, "Gee this guy sure is great, I wonder why he didn't pick me." Don't feel bad, it's only natural to have such thoughts. That is why I am preemptively writing this to ease your mind. I will answer your questions, but love can only be rationalized to a certain extent. What you need to know is the peculiar process in which I decided, long ago, beyond any doubt that Emily was the one and only girl in the world for me.

You may have created a case for yourself by this point. After all it is natural to make comparisons, we are only human. You may think: "I'm gorgeous, and I would make a much more fitting match." I don't doubt that you are beautiful, but your definition of beauty is far too reliant on visual perception. After all I would have chosen Emily if I were blind, which is an ailment I may or may not have cured by the time you read this. In any case the cliche that beauty is only skin deep is fitting here, but doesn't wholly cover the issue, because Emily is beautiful, inside and out. As far as physical beauty goes in fact, she is the most beautiful girl in the world. But that's my perspective, and we all have our own. I do hope this explanation is closure enough for you. I understand if you can't accept these words, but that's another issue entirely.

It's possible that you're hung up on something other then beauty. After all attraction is made of much more than that. Perhaps you think: "Why I'm the most generous good hearted girl I know, that strapping gent should be with me!" I do admire your enthusiasm, and again I won't question your morality. The simple answer is that I need not seek the fairest, or the kindest. No matter how soft spoken, or good spirited you are you're only hurting yourself by making these comparisons. That fact is that what I've always sought is the Emilyest of Emilys- if that makes sense. The sum of all that makes up her personality. Even the quirks she doesn't like about herself, why that's what will eventually inspire me to invent some brilliant device that keeps people from misplacing things. Whatever it is I'm sure you have one lying around the house as you read this, but don't thank me, thank Emily.

Now if you're still not convinced you may think it's because you have something to offer that's too good to pass up. Perhaps you're thinking: "I am also rich and famous, I have everything I should be able to have this wonderful man too.", or maybe, "I come from a royal blood line and am next in line for the throne, why if you chose me you could run your own country." Whatever the case I must reinforce my main point of comparison. If whatever it is you have to offer were what I wanted, then I would be writing this about you right now. Do not trouble yourself with what it is that Emily offers me, because it would be far too lengthy to explain such intangible things. I simply don't have the time, I mean I'm writing this now assuming that my future self would be far too busy to do so. I'm a nice guy though, and I want all of you to have closure. If that isn't enough I am sorry, if you email me I will send like a billion dollars to the charity of your choice as consolation. If still you feel cheated I'm afraid the best I will have to offer in the future is an action figure of my likeness with audible catchphrases. That I am sure is enough to mend the most broken of hearts.

I hope by now you have all realized that it simply isn't worth troubling yourself wondering why I didn't pick you. It can be fun to think about what might have been, and you'll always have that at least. Just remember that it was never a contest, because Emily already won. Please subscribe to my newsletter for the next installment in which I will be filling you all in on why Emily is also better than all of you in bed.

With love, Stanley: billionaire superstar extraordinaire